American men forced to use middle initials at all times

President Donald J Trump has issued a royal decree that all American men will now have to refer to themselves in the third person and use their middle initial.

"I've always done it," he said in the White House Press Room, "and if it's good enough for Alfred E Neumann then it's good enough for the rest of us."

The decree went on to outlaw the use of more than one middle initial, meaning a reprint of all the Game of Thrones books by George R Martin.

Also banned is the use of two initials instead of names, leading to all the prints of films by Jeffrey J Abrams.

Movie star Samuel L Jackson angrily retorted, "That m*therf*cker just went and stole my f*ucking sh*t, the complete pile of f*ucking horse cr*p."

A studio spokesman added, "I think that Mr Jackson is a little less than pleased."

It is believed that the decree came about as the result of White House staffer being overheard to say that DJT would never sound as cool as JFK.