George Osborne quits as MP because ignoring poor people's problems takes up too much time.

George Osborne, former Chancellor of the Exchequer and one time most hated man in Britain (Piers Morgan was plying his tw*ttery in America) has quit the lowest paid of his 257 business interests because it was forcing him to feign too much interest in ordinary people.

"Being an MP is generally great," he said as he announced that he would not be standing as part of Theresa May's coup in June, "There's the expenses, the power lunches, the expenses, the first class travel, the expenses, the ability to openly shaft the working classes, the expenses and, oh did I mention the expenses?"

He added, "The problem is the public, of course. People kept bothering me with requests to 'represent' them and to 'help' them and things like that. They simply did not understand that being a Member of Parliament is about sitting around laughing at the poor and disabled whilst taking their benefits away, not some nonsense about serving the people you conned into voting for you."

When asked what he was going to be doing with all his new free time, he explained, "Well, I have to convert all those back-room promises from my time as Chancellor into high-paying, low work boardroom positions. And now that I'm no longer going to be actively screwing the ordinary people I will be able to devote more time to using my newspaper editor position to shield my friends who still are.

Leaders promise more grown up debate about Scottish Referendum and Brexit

Leaders of the both the Westminster and Scottish Parliaments have promised to act in a more mature and dignified manner over the question of the Brexit negotiations and this week's excuse for calling for a new Scottish referendum.

One leading Scottish politician was seen shouting, "You're a coward, a coward!" and making chicken noises in the expectation that the Prime Minister would immediately roll over and offer a referendum just to prove that she wasn't frightened.

Mrs May herself ignored all this, saying, "Talk to the hand because it's covered with jam and more likely to pay attention to you than I am."

Exactly what she meant by this is not yet known.

Nicola Sturgeon, for her part, when told that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, shouted, "I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I  make myself sick."

She didn't need all three scweams... screams.

Parents have now stepped in a told the children to play nicely or they won't get any dessert at tea time.

Speaker criticised for speaking

The Rt Hon John Bercow MP, the current Speaker of the House of Commons, has been roundly criticised for speaking.

"It is not the place of the Speaker to actually, you know, speak," said Lordy McToff, spokesperson for the Conservative party. "He's there to stop the Opposition from speaking, not to say things himself."

When it was then pointed out that what Mr Bercow had been doing was stopping President Donald J Trump from speaking to Parliament, Mr McToff harrumphed indignantly and walked down the hallway, muttering something about 'bolshy media' and 'a good horsewhipping'.

A different view was announced by John Cantrule, spokesperson for the aforementioned Opposition. He said, "The Speaker was only saying what a lot of the other members would have said had the Speaker allowed them to speak. Which he didn't. So they couldn't. So he had to. So it makes perfect sense."

Mr Bercow, who is supposed to be completely apolitical as the Speaker of the House, ventured the opinion that the President should not be allowed the opportunity to address the combined Houses of Commons and Lords on account of his being a raging racist misogynist who also likes to ridicule the disabled.

He has since said that this was not the case.

"What I really don't like is the hair and the orange food colouring he uses on his face," the Speaker revealed. "I mean, if we stop allowing the racists, bigots, misogynists and over-privileged poor-hating rich b*stards from speaking then we'd just spend all our time listening to Jeremy Corbyn and where would be then?"