Car insurance premium hike not because companies are greedy b*st*rds

Car insurance firms have stated categorically that the £30 hike in the average cost of insurance premiums is not down them being greedy b*uggers exploiting the fact that motorists have to hold insurance to fleece them of increasingly large amounts of money.

"Of course not," one broker said, taking time out from booking his third holiday to the Bahamas this year. "Motor insurers are practically charities. They are virtually penniless. They pay out on claims straight away, every time, without ever asking any questions. They always pay more than the vehicle is worth and offer a diamond standard service at a sand value price."

When pressed on why premiums continue to rise when cars are getting safer, the broker shrugged his shoulders and muttered, "Well, it's stuff isn't it?"

Spokesmen for the big insurance firms were unavailable for comment since they were enjoying a champagne breakfast at a top Dubai hotel after a round of golf.

One that we did manage to reach claimed that it was down to repairs costing more because cars were more complicated these days.

"Garage mechanics are greedy b*st*rds and know that our customers have to have a car and so they can charge insurance companies whatever they like and artificially jack up the prices," he explained, between mouthfuls of truffle.

Which is surely the very definition of the pot calling the kettle black.