Donald Trump has used his inauguration speech to promise that America will p*ss all over the rest of the world in order to give Americans the things they want.
"For too long," he said, "we have considered that people in other countries matter a little bit. That all stops now. We will continue to work with old allies who continue to speak our language, buy our stuff and join in any and all wars that we choose to start for whatever reason. We will p*iss all over the rest."
The 45th President of the United States went on to announce that he was going to, "increase the size of our military because I enjoyed playing with toy soldiers when I was a child and it will be so much fun to do the same with real ones."
He warned that he had "no plans" to bomb anywhere yet, mainly because he didn't "know any of the names of that round map thing in the office".
Former US Secretary of State Gary Cheetaman said, "He doesn't know what he's talking about. We've never cared about other countries and are quite happy to use them as target practice for our boys and as testing grounds for the weapons we plan to sell to Saudi Arabia. It's just business as usual."
President Trump concluded that, "Even though the Playstation 4 is way better than the X Box and BMW make way better cars than Ford and James Bond's a better spy than Jason Bourne, we will force the world to buy our substandard crap whilst refusing to buy their superior products. Oh, and we'll make Mexico pay for it."
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