Men not allowed to speak about women - ever

Only hours after lambasting opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn for the sin of 'mansplaining' after he had the temerity to mention International Women's Day whilst in possession of a beard during Prime Minister's Doesn't Answer Any Questions Time, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced plans to prohibit any men from ever speaking on a subject that affects women in any way whatsoever.

An alleged woman herself (rumours continue to abound that she is really a robot with faulty empathy programming), she said that "it is wrong for any man to have an opinion on any subject of importance to women, let alone to actually give voice to it. We will, therefore, be advancing legislation to restrict men's rights to discuss women or, in fact anything other than football and war movies."

When asked if this would also prevent men from sending cards to women on Mother's Day, she muttered something about fields of wheat before storming out of the press conference.

Theresa May - This woman IS for turning

One week after announcing an increase in National Insurance Contributions for people who don't have a boss to blame, Theresa May's Conservative government has announced that the plan was quite clearly the work of the Devil himself and don't have a clue how anybody could have believed that they meant it.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer's explanation that "it's still the right thing to do, but we care more about how we look and getting re-elected than doing what's right", was not considered as being the most robust excuse for a U turn so big that it can be seen from space. It was, however, greeted as being at least more honest than the usual government response.

At Prime Minister's Insult Time, Mrs May said that throwing her Chancellor under the bus for a cock-up that neither of them saw coming when both of them should have was "the only thing a Prime Minister who has never faced a general election can do." 

Jeremy Corbyn said that this showed a government in 'chaos', and we should all believe him because if there is anyone who recognises political chaos then it's Jeremy Corbyn.

Labour deny checking Corbyn envelope post Oscars

The Labour Party has strenuously denied that it has gone back and checked the envelope containing the name of the winner of its last leader election in the wake of the Academy Awards farce.

"Jeremy Corbyn won that election fair and square and nobody has felt the need to go back and check anything," the party's election spokesperson stated firmly. When asked what the envelope-shaped object he was hiding behind his back was, he responded less firmly, "Well that's none of you damned business now, is it?"

The 89th Annual Academy Awards was marred when a film with two white stars (La La Land) was mistakenly announced as winner over the predominantly black-cast film Moonlight. The error was immediately spotted since it had been decreed that a black film had to win this year to prevent any more protests from the Black Oscars Matter movement.

Shadow minister quits after being whipped

A Labour Party shadow minister has quit after being told that she will be whipped if she does not support the Article 50 bill in Parliament.

The shadow minister, who is apparently responsible for all policy decision that directly impact on shadows, said that she wasn't going to let anyone else decide when she was going to be whipped.

"Use of a whip is a highly personal choice between two people who love each other," she said. "There is a time and a place for using a whip between consenting adults and that's usually in the dessert aisle at Iceland."

Jeremy Corbyn defended the use of the whip, stating that "if Donald Trump can waterboard people for the fun of it I don't see why I can't go around using a whip. It's not a big whip after all. I've never had a big whip, so it really shouldn't hurt much."

Most political commentators believe that this was definitely too much information.

Labour party celebrate one week without huge Corbyn gaffe

Labour party symbol:grown in manure

The Labour Party has celebrated being able to use the number 7 on their 'days since Jeremy cocked-up' chart for the first time.

A spokesman for the party cheerfully announced that this feat was managed through a careful combination of keeping the party leader from "saying anything" or "doing anything".

He added jovially, "It certainly didn't hurt having that horrorshow over the other side of the Atlantic, distracting everyone.

Mr Corbyn was not available for comment. The spokesman explained that they "certainly haven't got him locked up in the basement for his own safety".