Humans' oldest ancestor found

In a shock revelation, the oldest known ancestor of the human race has been found living in a cave in Central China.

Immediately named something completely unpronounceable, the millimetre long sea creature was not best pleased to be disturbed in its busy schedule of swimming and more swimming. It apparently referred to itself as Dory.

An examination of the creature revealed that it ate and excreted through the same hole, which makes it a candidate for Donald Trump's cabinet.

When asked why it had taken so long to find this creature, scientists pointed out that it was embarrassed by what its offspring had become.

"I mean," Professor Fossilonian, leader of the team that found the creature, pointed out, "would you advertise if your kids turned out to be responsible for ISIS, global warming, pollution, starvation and Donald J Trump?"

Driverless car tests receive complaints

Slightly more high-tech than this

The testing of driverless car technology in Milton Keynes has brought complaints from the least expected sources - the cars themselves.

Spokescar Cary McCarface told a press conference that it wasn't the tests themselves that the cars objected to, but the location.

"With all the places in all the world to choose from for this testing, why oh why did they choose Milton Keynes, the most boring city on the planet. Nobody wants to live here, nobody wants to come here. They even had to import the football from Wimbledon. And we're stuck here going round and round the place. There's only so much grey concrete that you can stare at before going all mental and thinking about changing your operating system to Skynet," McCarface moaned in a voice a little too much like that of the Knight Industries 2000 for comfort.

Professor J Klevver of The Open University, which doesn't have anything to do with the tests, agreed with the cars' complaints. "We have to run our university by correspondence course, things are so bad," he said.

The tests continue.