Even Theresa May's panicked U Turns are 'Strong and stable'

Conservative Party spin doctors were out in force yesterday to explain that the extraordinary U-turn on the so-called Dementia tax (possibly the shortest length of time ever taken to break a manifesto pledge considering that they haven't won the election yet) was another sign of Theresa May's 'strong and stable' leadership.

"Theresa May listened," one spokesperson said. "She mainly listened to the sound of her polling numbers crashing into single figures and immediately scrambled to limit the damage. Though it looks to the uninitiated like a panicked knee-jerk reaction from a party that was ill-prepared for the backlash against what is a pretty awful tax of dying people, if you try hard enough you can actually see that it is a sign of a leader who knew exactly what she was doing."

When pressed, he also stated that "Of course the crowds at Donald Trump's inaguration were larger than Obama's."

Another spokesperson disagreed, however, stating that, "Theresa May was not listening to the outcry from poor people who might lose everything they hoped to leave to their children except for a hundred thousand pounds, assuming that their house was worth that much. No, she was listening to the rich people who were afraid that they might lose everything they hoped to leave to their children except for a hundred thousand pounds, which one of their cars is worth. Of course, upper class inbreeding is one of the debilitating conditions excluded from the Dementia Tax. So is being Boris Johnson."

"There will now be a cap on the amount that can be taken from people's children after their parents' deaths," a third continued, "but we're not going to tell you how much because that would mean making a decision and then getting it costed, something that we're trying to avoid with all our manifesto pledges."

In related news, a Dalek spokesperson has pressed a case for all rogue Time Lords to be prevented from calling them the most evil race in the universe since the Conservative Manifesto makes it quite clear that humans are more evil than them.

"We might exterminate you as soon as look at you," it said, and proceeded to prove its point by exterminating all the journalists present at the press conference, "but to watch you go through a long, painful, debilitating death in the sure knowledge that before you are cold the government will be seizing everything left to pay for corporation tax cuts, now that is real evil."

George Osborne quits as MP because ignoring poor people's problems takes up too much time.

George Osborne, former Chancellor of the Exchequer and one time most hated man in Britain (Piers Morgan was plying his tw*ttery in America) has quit the lowest paid of his 257 business interests because it was forcing him to feign too much interest in ordinary people.

"Being an MP is generally great," he said as he announced that he would not be standing as part of Theresa May's coup in June, "There's the expenses, the power lunches, the expenses, the first class travel, the expenses, the ability to openly shaft the working classes, the expenses and, oh did I mention the expenses?"

He added, "The problem is the public, of course. People kept bothering me with requests to 'represent' them and to 'help' them and things like that. They simply did not understand that being a Member of Parliament is about sitting around laughing at the poor and disabled whilst taking their benefits away, not some nonsense about serving the people you conned into voting for you."

When asked what he was going to be doing with all his new free time, he explained, "Well, I have to convert all those back-room promises from my time as Chancellor into high-paying, low work boardroom positions. And now that I'm no longer going to be actively screwing the ordinary people I will be able to devote more time to using my newspaper editor position to shield my friends who still are.

Sharks to be killed for teens' rights to surf and look good.

Australia has announced plans to kill all the sharks in the sea so that its teenagers can surf and swim and wear baggy beach shorts and tiny bikinis in the waters around its coast.

"What right do these creatures have to exist and swim around, occasionally attacking pretty young people who invade their world in the name of drunken fun?" one politician demanded. "Sure, we could set up safe zones and use nets to keep the sharks out and we could try and educate our young people on the dangers of swimming in unsafe waters, but I ask you, have you ever tried to teach a teenager anything?"

Sharks have blamed Stephen Spielberg for their impending extinction. "Ever since people saw that movie Jaws, people have held sharks responsible for shark attacks. If someone jumps out in front of a moving truck, do you blame the truck? Do you ban all trucks from the roads? No, and that's because the Spielberg film Duel wasn't as popular as Jaws, though we think it's the better movie."

A spokesman for the Australian government responded, "Blimey, I didn't know sharks could talk."

Trump administration not quite sure where fleet is

White House officials have announced that the 'armada' that was ordered to waters off North Korea is, in fact, nowhere near waters off North Korea. The 'flotilla' has been reported cruising around near Indonesia "catching some rays and generally frolicking about in the sea" there.

When asked where the 'squadron' was going, a White House official responded, "The waters off North Korea, probably, maybe."

Some commentators have seen this as a deliberate plan to keep North Korean and Chinese governments off-balance whilst others have seen it as Trump being less of a hard man than he thought and changing his mind whilst trying to save face on this about turn.

North Korean officials have stated that they "were in no way intimidated by the size of the American aircraft carriers and it is pure coincidence that their leader, Kim Jong-Un is always pictured wearing brown trousers".

General election call not naked grab for power, May denies

Prime Minister and alleged Margaret Thatcher clone Theresa May has denied that her call for an early election (something that she had previously promised would not happen) is a naked grab for power.

"Public nudity is something for students on holiday in Ibiza," she stated, "not for emotionless cyborgs masquerading as human politicians. Therefore this is, if anything, a fully-clothed grab for power".

When asked why she was asking for this election when she had so recently sworn that she would not call a snap general election, she elaborated, "I wasn't sure that I could win then. I wasn't about to call an election without being absolutely certain that I could win. Do you have any idea how much backstabbing and betrayals have gone into my usurping the leadership of the party and the country? I wasn't about to urinate that up a wall until I had managed to brainwash the British public into thinking that I was a better choice than Jeremy Corbyn. Admittedly, I had thought that this would take longer."

Potential slogans for the Conservative campaign have already been leaked with 'Make Britain America's Bitch Again' and 'More Trump Than Trump' being early front runners.  Manifesto promises such as allowing Donald Trump to grab the Queen's p*ssy during his state visit, the building of a wall between Scotland and the rest of the UK (tricky when it comes to the bit between Scotland and Northern Ireland, admittedly), the shooting of all foreign residents who don't pledge personal allegiance to Mrs May and making the Channel Tunnel one way only (towards France) have been inked in already.

Renowned political analyst Roger Crotchett stated, "This was an inevitable move by Theresa Thatcher... sorry I mean May. I keep getting the two mixed up. Anyway, Maggie May could never get this job under normal circumstances, considering her abilities and policies, so underhanded tactics were to be expected. She refused to give an election when they might vote for anyone other than her. It's understandable from someone with her moral."

Other commentators were surprised that there was someone willing to ascribe moral values of any kind to the Prime Minister.

Calls for Mrs May to submit her DNA for comparison against former Conservative dictator Margaret Thatcher have been refused.

On social media, the battle lines have already been drawn with Conservative supporters talking about money and Labour supporters talking about people.

In a surprise move, the Council of Sith Lords has announced that it will be voting against Mrs May because she "scares the living cr*p out of us." 

After Melania debacle, Daily Mail to apologise to everyone in order to save time

The Daily Mail has announced that it is going to save time and apologise to everyone that it has ever written a story about.

The so-called newspaper, which even Wikipedia doesn't trust for facts, is to avoid further lawsuits by simply admitting that it never fact-checked a single story and made it all up as it went along. This decision was made at a fractious editors' meeting where the previous plan of blaming it all on immigrants, single parents and Labour voters was abandoned because "it wasn't going to work this time."

Melania Trump is reported to be pleased that her name has been cleared of the paper's charge of being an escort in her past and Donald Trump is reported pleased that at least someone in the family can win in court.

There is no word yet on an apology to anyone who happened to read the Daily Mail by mistake, although counselling centres have been set up by the NHS.

Trump wants to use all the soldier toys before getting impeached

The White House has admitted that President Trump is intent on using every piece of military hardware as quickly as possible so that he can get them all in before any impeachment procedures can be started.

White House sources, who didn't want to be named because they are too embarrassed at working in the Trump administration, stated that "President Trump enjoys seeing things blown up almost as much as he likes seeing his name put on something. If someone would put his name on a bomb then I think he would orgasm on the spot."

They added that, "Nobody here expects to be in power for very long, but dropping bombs on foreigners is always good for American public morale, so it keeps him happy and our numbers up, or less low."

President Trump has so far sent SEALS in Yemen, cruise missiles in Syria (or Iraq, he wasn't quite sure) and now the largest conventional weapon in the US arsenal into Afghanistan.

Reports suggests that "he is lining up North Korea for the big one. There's only one president trmwho ever used nuclear weapons and he wants to be remembered for changing that."

"America will be great again," an official spokesman said, "even if we have to reduce every other country in the world to a pile of rubble to achieve that."

No foreign dipomacy please, we're British

British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, the man in charge of all British overseas diplomacy has announced that, in future, all of that overseas diplomacy will be carried out from his comfortable office. That way, the announcement said, there was no chance of him having to actually go to foreign countries and talk to foreign people and get into awkward conversations about supporting dictators who drop chemical weapons on their own people.

"I didn't campaign for Brexit so that I would have to go and talk to a bunch of foreign johnnies," Mr Johnson said at a press conference. "The whole point of Brexit was to make sure that there were at least 28 other countries who would never talk to us again."

When asked if he was being just the tiniest bit of a complete and utter coward by refusing to visit, for example Russia, he denied it. When further pressed on whether the famous hard man President of that country, Vladimir Putin, would punch him, he stressed, "Oh no, not at all. He wouldn't do such a thing. Would he? I mean, I hadn't heard that he did that sort of thing. Does he do that sort of thing? Oh mummy, where's my teddy?"

When asked whether this attitude would make him the laughing stock of world diplomacy, he merely shrugged and pointed out, "People have been laughing me my whole life, but when you have a rich family with the connections to get you safe parliamentary seat none of that really matters."

A Russian spokesman said, "Britain? Where is that? Oh, yes, the silly country stuck on the edge of Europe determined to destroy itself. We don't care."

No English, Welsh or Northern Irish referendums, May states

In the same week that Prime Minister Theresa May turned down calls from the SNP for a second 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence barely four years after the first 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence, it has emerged that she has also turned down further calls for referendums on this subject.

Pressure groups in England, Wales and Northern Ireland have all called for referendums in their countries as to whether Scotland should be allowed to stay in the United Kingdom on the grounds that "they're a bunch of expensive ingrates who we would all be better off without".

"All they ever do is whinge about how bad it is in Scotland and how it's everybody else's fault except the people who live there," a Hearts for Lions press release stated. Hearts for Lions is either an 'England for the English' pressure group or a charity helping sick lions get transplants. It's not entirely clear from their manifestos which it is.

"No doubt they'll keep on blaming the rest of us for their woes when they've gone," the pamphlet goes on, "but at least we won't have to listen to their bleating."

Welsh pressure groups have banded together to "support our Celtic brothers in their search for a way to leave the union", but add "if only so that we don't have to hear any more about haggises and whisky and Andy Murray."

The Northern Irish Assembly, what little of it is still assembled, pointed out that post-Brexit they would be having to build a wall along their southern border, so they could get the contractor to do another wall along the Anglo-Scottish border at the same time in order to save a bit of money.

Hadrian Building Services is favourite to win the contract.

Leaders promise more grown up debate about Scottish Referendum and Brexit

Leaders of the both the Westminster and Scottish Parliaments have promised to act in a more mature and dignified manner over the question of the Brexit negotiations and this week's excuse for calling for a new Scottish referendum.

One leading Scottish politician was seen shouting, "You're a coward, a coward!" and making chicken noises in the expectation that the Prime Minister would immediately roll over and offer a referendum just to prove that she wasn't frightened.

Mrs May herself ignored all this, saying, "Talk to the hand because it's covered with jam and more likely to pay attention to you than I am."

Exactly what she meant by this is not yet known.

Nicola Sturgeon, for her part, when told that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, shouted, "I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I  make myself sick."

She didn't need all three scweams... screams.

Parents have now stepped in a told the children to play nicely or they won't get any dessert at tea time.

White House plan to rent out Trump to Premiers who 'need to look good'.

The White House Administration has announced a new plan to capitalise on President Trump's apparent lack of experience and ability by renting him out to the leaders of other countries who are suffering at home and need to make a positive impression.

"This week alone, we have seen the Irish Prime Minister and the German Chancellor both stand up alongside the President and look like true political powerhouses in comparison," chief White House salesman Gus Dealermann pointed out at the launch of the programme. "Simply standing alongside our President makes other world leaders seem that much greater in stature. So, if you're a complete failure on domestic issues and don't have and independent referendum to call on every time you need to distract the electorate from your shortcomings, just get in touch and, for a modest fee, we'll have you in a press conference with the US President and looking the best that you ever have."

The programme charges a little extra for discreet eye-rolling opportunities and offers up special deals on the chance to rubbish the President's faltering stance on immigration.

When asked what the President himself thought of this plan, Dealermann said that he knew nothing about it since they hadn't advertised on Fox News or during the children's hour on other channels. "He doesn't seem to notice when other leaders are openly mocking him, so I doubt that he'll notice this."

The only person to have signed on to the programme and not to have benefitted was Britain's own Theresa May, due to the fact that she was so desperate to get on the President's good side that she ended up looking like an abandoned puppy.

"We can't help everyone," Dealermann pointed out, sadly.

Theresa May - This woman IS for turning

One week after announcing an increase in National Insurance Contributions for people who don't have a boss to blame, Theresa May's Conservative government has announced that the plan was quite clearly the work of the Devil himself and don't have a clue how anybody could have believed that they meant it.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer's explanation that "it's still the right thing to do, but we care more about how we look and getting re-elected than doing what's right", was not considered as being the most robust excuse for a U turn so big that it can be seen from space. It was, however, greeted as being at least more honest than the usual government response.

At Prime Minister's Insult Time, Mrs May said that throwing her Chancellor under the bus for a cock-up that neither of them saw coming when both of them should have was "the only thing a Prime Minister who has never faced a general election can do." 

Jeremy Corbyn said that this showed a government in 'chaos', and we should all believe him because if there is anyone who recognises political chaos then it's Jeremy Corbyn.

SNP redefine a 'generation' as every four years or so

The Scottish National Party has called for another 'once in a generation' referendum on Scottish Independence to take place barely four years after the last 'once in generation' referendum on the grounds that the 'silly b*ggers didn't choose our way last time'.

Party spokesman Jock McTavish the Noo explained, "We were elected on a manifesto promise to demand a new referendum at every opportunity. Brexit is the current opportunity of choice, but we also consider Scotland losing at the rugby, or the football, or the cricket or, in fact, any sport you like to mention except Andy Murray (and if Novak Djokovic gets himself sorted that's going to look iffy) as suitable excuses. We also have the old standby of someone sneezing on the shores of Loch Lomond. I know that may sound a bit random, but it can't be just anyone sneezing, it has to be someone verifiably Scottish."

The SNP have demanded that they get to choose when the referendum takes place, what the question is and exactly who will vote. They currently suggest only those people who are members of the party and have sworn a blood oath to make Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon the new King and Queen of Scotland.

"Look," McTavish the Noo continued, "we can't start a war to distract from our failings on education and health and pretty much every other aspect of our performance like Thatcher and Blair did, so this is all we have."

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, there was a general rolling of eyes and mutters of 'here they go again', although one child protection charity did suggest that "if they genuinely believe that you can create a new generation every four years, we really have to look into their child protection standards".

Labour deny checking Corbyn envelope post Oscars

The Labour Party has strenuously denied that it has gone back and checked the envelope containing the name of the winner of its last leader election in the wake of the Academy Awards farce.

"Jeremy Corbyn won that election fair and square and nobody has felt the need to go back and check anything," the party's election spokesperson stated firmly. When asked what the envelope-shaped object he was hiding behind his back was, he responded less firmly, "Well that's none of you damned business now, is it?"

The 89th Annual Academy Awards was marred when a film with two white stars (La La Land) was mistakenly announced as winner over the predominantly black-cast film Moonlight. The error was immediately spotted since it had been decreed that a black film had to win this year to prevent any more protests from the Black Oscars Matter movement.

Manchester United fan believed to have brain damage after stating 'We deserved to win'.

A Manchester United fan was rushed to hospital just minutes after the team's League Cup Final win over Southampton. Fears were immediately raised after he was heard to say that his team deserved the win despite being outplayed for 110 minutes of the 90 minute game, eventually snatching the win through one late moment of 'being in the right place at the right time'.

The man's claims immediately led him to the London Brain Doctoring Hospital where surgeons were unable to diagnose the man's problem after much brain scanning.

"We were just unable to find it," the head surgeon," Archibald Cerveau announced. "We looked and looked, but finally we had to conclude that he did not actually have one."

The man, who comes from Sussex and has reportedly heard of Manchester, but never dared to go any further north than the Watford Gap, was said to be resting comfortably, but talking other complete b*ll*cks.

Dr Cerveau said sadly that the best brain surgeons in the world were unable to do anything to save the man and he would remain a Manchester United fan for the rest of his life. His family are being comforted.

Theresa May to be sued for false advertising over her name.

News has emerged that Theresa May is to be sued by the Advertising Standards Agency over her surname.

"The word 'May' suggests that there is a possibility of something happening, some action being taken," a spokesperson for the agency, Sarah Adcrap, explained. "With this Prime Minister, as in her time as Home Secretary, we have seen that the truth is that nothing will happen until everyone else has finished and she is pushed into the space that is left. This is clearly outside of the definition of the word and therefore we require that the Prime Minister stop using this surname immediately and choose a more appropriate moniker."

Suggested alternatives have been Theresa Can't, Theresa Won't and Theresa Colonoscopy (on account of shoving herself so far up Donald Trump's arse).

We approached the Prime Minister for comment, but so far have received no response.

White House press room redesign to include lions, tigers and bears, oh my.

President Donald J Trump has ordered the press room at the White House to undergo a major redesign. The main new feature will be a large pit with a sand-covered floor. Any journalist he decides is peddling 'fake news' will be thrown into this pit by secret service agents where they will fight it out with all manner of wild beasts and trained killers. Their only hope will be to prove that the pen truly is mightier than the sword, or an enraged grizzly that's been sent mad by and endless loop of The Celebrity Apprentice.

"Unless they stop peddling the fake story that this administration is a complete clusterf*uck, just because it is, we will treat them with the respect we ought to be getting and have Russian prostitutes pee all over them," said Presidential spokesman Sean Cumin.

Head of the White House press corps, Maximus Decimus Meridius (Commander of the apple mac, General of the Press Corps, loyal servant of True News, Father to a confused son, husband to a wife whose p*ussy hasn't been grabbed) said, "Don't worry; we will have our revenge, in this administration or the next."

US General tells NATO to play by his rules or he'll take his ball home.

Donald's new head of Defense, nicknamed 'Crazy Canine' has told the heads of NATO that if they do not play by his rules then he will go home and tell his mama, as well as taking his ball with him.

Just a couple of weeks after the newly-inaugurated President told the world that he was fully behind NATO, his Defence Secretary said that the President was not at all fully behind NATO.

"No longer can we be the ones standing up alone for Western Values," the general insisted.

When pressed on what these values were, he listed, "religious exclusion, overt racism, the right to mock people because of their disability, the freedom to withhold aid to poor countries unless they remove their women's right to choose and, of course, the right to grab women by their genitals without reproach just because we're richer and more famous than them."

The general went on to add that America 'was tired of caring more about your children's futures than you do.'

Scientists have taken this as the final proof that Americans are genetically lacking the gene for irony, considering that this statement comes from the representative of a regime that doesn't give a toss about global warming, which is the biggest threat to children everywhere.

The general stated that the new rule the USA wanted most to enforce was that it could tell all the other countries exactly how much they had to spend on American weapons systems, especially the ones that sent missiles in the wrong direction during testing.

British Prime Minister Theresa May, defended the President she believes is her only hope of being seen as anything but a dismal failure in the role, stating, "The Americans are our strongest military ally. They were there for us in World War 2, right from the start, not waiting until they were directly attacked before they got off their arses and did something. They were there for us in the Falklands War, their men fighting alongside ours. And it's not like they expect us to follow them when they start wars in Iran or Afghanistan."

Critics also pointed out that the Americans can't even spell defence properly, one academic pointing out, "There's no 's', people!"

'Crazy Canine' denied that this new stance was part of an overall strategy to carve up the world, surrendering Europe to Trump's best friend Vladimir Putin and keeping the Americas for themselves.

He also stated that all future wars would be fought on Twitter, the winner being the country witht he most likes and retweets.

"The Pres rules on Twitter," Crazy Canine stated, "though we'd not send him up against that JK Rowling fella of yours."

Surge in half term holiday bookings in Norfolk

The Norfolk Tourist Information Board has announced a last-minute surge in holiday books for the coming half term. Bookings, they said, were up over 10,000%.

It's mainly older folks with VW camper vans and tie-dyed clothes talking about recapturing the experience of the sixties and younger people, coincidentally also with camper vans, coming in and asking 'Where's the junk, dude?'.

"They get confused when we direct them to the local refuse recycling centre," spokesperson Geraldine Flatland added. "They get even more annoyed when they ask about the Coke and we send them to local Lidl store."

When asked if this upsurge in bookings to a region that is without outstanding (or upstanding at least) features, bitterly cold weather and no entertainment venues open, could be related to the discovery of over £50 million worth of cocaine on the beaches in the area, Ms Flatland replied, "Oh no, Mr Polka dot elephant. It's the natural beauty of the place, and the supersonic butterflies, that are the draw. There's even a barn dance in the Hall of the Mountain King at Caister this weekend. You should come. Puff, the Magic Dragon's going to be headlining the show."

A&E record 'unacceptable' says Hunt responsible

Jeremy Hunt (and yes, that is how you spell and pronounce it, many opinions to the contrary) has called the recent record of A&E departments in the NHS 'unacceptable' despite the fact that he is the man responsible for making them acceptable and has been for some time.

Mr Hunt, who refused to take the junior doctors up on their offer that he resign since he was completely incompetent and didn't understand how anything worked and was making things worse by forcing a new contract on them against their will, never once saw the irony of his situation in any of the number of interviews that he gave on the subject.

When asked what he was going to do about the situation, he stated ,"What I've always done, absolutely nothing. Though I might blame the doctors again. After all, they're supposed to know what they're doing. I'm just a government minister, so why should I know what I'm talking about?"

Junior doctors all over the country rolled their eyes and got on with the job of ministering to the sick in overly-busy departments for longer hours and less pay than they deserve.

Speaker criticised for speaking

The Rt Hon John Bercow MP, the current Speaker of the House of Commons, has been roundly criticised for speaking.

"It is not the place of the Speaker to actually, you know, speak," said Lordy McToff, spokesperson for the Conservative party. "He's there to stop the Opposition from speaking, not to say things himself."

When it was then pointed out that what Mr Bercow had been doing was stopping President Donald J Trump from speaking to Parliament, Mr McToff harrumphed indignantly and walked down the hallway, muttering something about 'bolshy media' and 'a good horsewhipping'.

A different view was announced by John Cantrule, spokesperson for the aforementioned Opposition. He said, "The Speaker was only saying what a lot of the other members would have said had the Speaker allowed them to speak. Which he didn't. So they couldn't. So he had to. So it makes perfect sense."

Mr Bercow, who is supposed to be completely apolitical as the Speaker of the House, ventured the opinion that the President should not be allowed the opportunity to address the combined Houses of Commons and Lords on account of his being a raging racist misogynist who also likes to ridicule the disabled.

He has since said that this was not the case.

"What I really don't like is the hair and the orange food colouring he uses on his face," the Speaker revealed. "I mean, if we stop allowing the racists, bigots, misogynists and over-privileged poor-hating rich b*stards from speaking then we'd just spend all our time listening to Jeremy Corbyn and where would be then?"

Car insurance premium hike not because companies are greedy b*st*rds

Car insurance firms have stated categorically that the £30 hike in the average cost of insurance premiums is not down them being greedy b*uggers exploiting the fact that motorists have to hold insurance to fleece them of increasingly large amounts of money.

"Of course not," one broker said, taking time out from booking his third holiday to the Bahamas this year. "Motor insurers are practically charities. They are virtually penniless. They pay out on claims straight away, every time, without ever asking any questions. They always pay more than the vehicle is worth and offer a diamond standard service at a sand value price."

When pressed on why premiums continue to rise when cars are getting safer, the broker shrugged his shoulders and muttered, "Well, it's stuff isn't it?"

Spokesmen for the big insurance firms were unavailable for comment since they were enjoying a champagne breakfast at a top Dubai hotel after a round of golf.

One that we did manage to reach claimed that it was down to repairs costing more because cars were more complicated these days.

"Garage mechanics are greedy b*st*rds and know that our customers have to have a car and so they can charge insurance companies whatever they like and artificially jack up the prices," he explained, between mouthfuls of truffle.

Which is surely the very definition of the pot calling the kettle black.

UK MPs prove their value by confirming referendum result

British Members of Parliament proved their incredible importance to the world in general by voting overwhelming for the same result that the British public came to several months ago.

Ever since the British public declared with half a voice that they wanted to leave the European Union, their leaders have been arguing over whether MPs should be the ones to start the process, despite the fact that the point was decidedly moot since the referendum had already started the process.

"We are the ones in charge and we should be the ones who decide what cock-ups to make," one MP insisted, "and we will make the decision even if someone has made it already."

Following the vote, one ordinary passerby said, "What a bloody waste of time and space this lot are. Getting paid all day to argue over a decision already made and then just voting for the same thing as was already decided. Leaders of the country? Don't make me bloody laugh."

Humans' oldest ancestor found

In a shock revelation, the oldest known ancestor of the human race has been found living in a cave in Central China.

Immediately named something completely unpronounceable, the millimetre long sea creature was not best pleased to be disturbed in its busy schedule of swimming and more swimming. It apparently referred to itself as Dory.

An examination of the creature revealed that it ate and excreted through the same hole, which makes it a candidate for Donald Trump's cabinet.

When asked why it had taken so long to find this creature, scientists pointed out that it was embarrassed by what its offspring had become.

"I mean," Professor Fossilonian, leader of the team that found the creature, pointed out, "would you advertise if your kids turned out to be responsible for ISIS, global warming, pollution, starvation and Donald J Trump?"

Trump thinks he's still on The Apprentice

President Donald J Trump still believes that he is in the TV 'reality' show The Apprentice, it has emerged, after he told the interim Attorney General "You're fired".

The Attorney General failed in the week's task of upholding the legality of his lunatic ban on muslims from around the world entering the USA based on... something that we're not quite sure of yet.

White House spokesman Gary Alternative-Facts announced the sacking and added that President Trump had also fired the head of Immigration and Border Enforcement, presumably for acting on the AG's assertion that the Executive Order raising the ban might be less than perfectly legal rather than just taking the President's word for it that all Muslims are "very, very bad people and not fun to sit next to on planes".

Mr Alternative-Facts went on to say that "President Trump had no choice but to fire the Attorney General since she wouldn't do what he said without question and refused to let him grab her pussy."

In time-honoured political fashion, the President's team blamed it all on their predecessors.

Former President Obama was unwilling to comment, though he did smile and say, "I'm not looking too bad now eh?"

UK to ban all US Citizens who voted for Trump

The UK government is considering a ban on all US citizens unless they can prove that they did not vote Republican in the recent elections.

"Considering the threat at President Trump poses to the world as a whole, these people can clearly be seen to be supporting acts of terrorism," a government spokesman said. "They support torture and the detaining of people based only on where they were born. It is best to keep these people out of our country since there can clearly be no benefit to letting them in."

"President Trump's ban shows that there is no need to for legal or moral backing to banning people from entering a country," the spokesman continued. "You just have to not like them."

Exactly how such a ban will affect President Trump when he attends the promised State Visit later in the year is yet to be determined.

"It is likely that he voted for himself," the spokesman pointed. "After all, everything else he does is for himself."

It is rumoured that the Queen is preparing another bout of illness for the duration of the State Visit.

Republicans to return world to Stone Age so they can say 'we're the smartest'.

The American Republican party has an overall strategy to return the world to a simpler time so that they can declare themselves the smartest people in the world.

The worldwide banking crisis and the resulting global recession was only the first step, it has been revealed. Whilst most people were blaming the rampant greed of the rich and the stupidity of the bankers, it was all part of diabolical scheme to make ordinary people desperate enough to elect a patent clown as President.

The next step is to de-fund all the global institutions that have kept a fragile peace over the last half a century. By refusing to pay for NATO and the United Nations (on the grounds that as they are the richest nation in the world - a fact they constantly remind us of - they should have to pay less than everyone else) they will see the world order collapse and there will be nobody to criticise them for anything.

Putin's Russia will take over Europe and then be destroyed in a battle with China that wipes out both countries, leaving the American military, strengthened with all that cash that is no longer needed for, you know, civilisation, to spread throughout the whole of the Americas.

As the people with all the money, the Republican rich will then set themselves up a feudal lords, a la Game of Thrones.

"The last time people like us were thought to be bright was back when the Neanderthals ruled the place," a dribbling spokesman said, "so it just makes sense to wipe out all the progress since then so that we can call ourselves smart.

Shadow minister quits after being whipped

A Labour Party shadow minister has quit after being told that she will be whipped if she does not support the Article 50 bill in Parliament.

The shadow minister, who is apparently responsible for all policy decision that directly impact on shadows, said that she wasn't going to let anyone else decide when she was going to be whipped.

"Use of a whip is a highly personal choice between two people who love each other," she said. "There is a time and a place for using a whip between consenting adults and that's usually in the dessert aisle at Iceland."

Jeremy Corbyn defended the use of the whip, stating that "if Donald Trump can waterboard people for the fun of it I don't see why I can't go around using a whip. It's not a big whip after all. I've never had a big whip, so it really shouldn't hurt much."

Most political commentators believe that this was definitely too much information.

DfE recruitment of overseas teachers 'totally in line with immigration policy'.

The International Teacher Recruitment strategy will bring teachers from all over the world to teach in the UK, it has been shown.

At a cost of £300,000 it is considered a snip and a neat way of avoiding having to improve pay and conditions for UK teachers in order to recruit more of them. After all, successive governments have held a policy of demoralising, undermining and undervaluing teachers to the point where there is now a major shortfall of them.

"We're having to do it now," a spokesman for the Department for Education said, "because we certainly won't be able to do it after Brexit and immigration controls stop us."

He added hurriedly, "Though we all support Brexit, which is a brilliant idea and the PM never managed to do anything about immigration as Home Secretary, so there's probably no need to worry about it now."

Any teachers coming in under this new initiative will have to show a suitable level of teacher training.

"They will definitely have had to go to school at some time in their lives," the DfE confirmed.

Tickets now booking for Mexican Wall Pantomime

It's the hottest entertainment ticket available. The Mexican Wall Pantomime is now booking for tickets.

Starring Donald Trump with his classic catchphrase, "We're gonna build a wall and Mexico's gonna pay for it".

Also starring Mexican President Pena Nieto and his equally famous catchphrase, "No we're not."

Donald Trump: "Oh yes you are."

Pena Nieto: "Oh no we're not."

Donald Trump: "Oh yes you are."

Pena Nieto: "Oh no we're not."

Donald Trump:"Oh yes you are, or you're not in this pantomime."

Pena Nieto: "Well f*ck you, and f*uck your wall and your pantomime."

Donald Trump: "He's behind me."

Everyone: "No he's not, he's cancelled your meeting."

It's fun for all the family and you can see it for only $15bn.

Theresa May affirms 'special relationship'

Prime Minister Theresa May has confirmed that she will be renewing the special relationship between Britain and the USA by kissing President Trump's arse when they pair meet. This is the traditional position that previous Prime Ministers have taken up.

Having previously stated that she was unafraid of challenging President Trump, she said that, "although I am not afraid of challenging Mr Trump, I won't actually be doing that. I won't be doing it, but not because I am afraid. Challenging the President would mean that I would actually have to do something and, as I have proved in my leadership so far, doing something is not a tactic I prefer to use. Doing nothing is the way forward."

Apparently, Mrs May has been using lip balm to soften her lips prior to the event and President Trump has been using lotion on his behind.

Trump mixes up his water words

There was embarrassment yesterday as President Trump mixed up two terms involving water.

At only his third press conference of the day, the President stated that 'waterboarding works' and that he had personally seen how well it works during his many trips to Russia where waterboarding was something that you could order off a menu.

At this point, an aide quickly pointed out that the question had been about 'waterboarding' and not 'watersports'.

Mr Trump immediately engaged his usual tactic of repeating that he had never said anything about anything and accusing the media of faking it all, which was not what the prostitutes had been doing in Moscow.

In related news kettle calls pot black

Everyone's favourite lovely person, Piers Morgan, has reacted angrily and petulantly, to a high profile guest pulling out of appearing on his ITV self-aggrandisment show following the host's views on the women's global march at the weekend.. Morgan, who regularly tops popularity polls in the land of make-believe, said that actor Ewan McGregor was 'narrow minded' and a 'twerp', clearly exhausting his supply of clever insults early on.

In related news, a pot has called a kettle black.

McGregor hit back at accusations that he had worked with Roman Polanski and therefore was unqualified to support women's rights by pointing out that Morgan was unqualified to talk on aspect of being a human being. "I don't want to be in the same room as him, breathing the same air as him," McGregor announced. "I might catch whatever it is that he has."

"Working with Polanski," he went on to add, " is the height of political correctness when compared with doing anything that helps keep Piers Morgan in any sort of employment."

American men forced to use middle initials at all times

President Donald J Trump has issued a royal decree that all American men will now have to refer to themselves in the third person and use their middle initial.

"I've always done it," he said in the White House Press Room, "and if it's good enough for Alfred E Neumann then it's good enough for the rest of us."

The decree went on to outlaw the use of more than one middle initial, meaning a reprint of all the Game of Thrones books by George R Martin.

Also banned is the use of two initials instead of names, leading to all the prints of films by Jeffrey J Abrams.

Movie star Samuel L Jackson angrily retorted, "That m*therf*cker just went and stole my f*ucking sh*t, the complete pile of f*ucking horse cr*p."

A studio spokesman added, "I think that Mr Jackson is a little less than pleased."

It is believed that the decree came about as the result of White House staffer being overheard to say that DJT would never sound as cool as JFK.

Killer toast on the loose!!

Have you seen this murderer?

Toast has become the latest in a long line of things that cause cancer. Not just any toast, mind you. Only burned toast is injurious to your health.  Unless you are eating it in Chernobyl.

Chips, parsnips and potatoes are all deadly when burned, the Food Standards Agency. The FSA went on to add that cooking food correctly and not burning it to a crisp was the key. Unless you were trying to make crisps, of course.

Top celebrity chef Claude Bonoeuf scoffed at this advice. He scoffed an entire plate of chips. Once he had done so, he said that we didn't need to be told by the FSA that burned food was not as good as properly cooked food. Everyone already knew that. Except perhaps motorway service station restaurants.

'Failed' missile test really testing first strike against Trump capability

Up up and away

Prime Minister Theresa May's insistence that the recent missile test of the coast of the United States of America was not a failure and that the 'sailors got it up beautifully' had led some analysts to believe that either the missile test had a darker purpose of Mrs May was talking about something else altogether.

Reports that the missile veered off course and headed directly towards the American coast are merely a cover story and this was not a failure of the internal guidance system, but a deliberate targeting of Washington DC to show that the UK could strike back against the new President should he turn out to be as terrible as everyone is expecting.

Arguments have been made that a tactical nuclear strike against President Trump would be a waste of time because he, and the cockroaches, would be the only things to survive.

Calls for the Trident program to be scrapped have come from many pressure groups, political parties and from President Putin, who stated that "Now we have a friend in charge in Washington, it's the only thing stopping us from invading."

President Trump responded , "That Putin's a funny guy."

Washed up UK politician hired by American 'news' broadcaster

News not from the Dark Ages

Fox News has hired Nigel Farage as a "politicial analyst" in a new attempt to damage its almost non-existent reputation as a provider of reliable news coverage even further.

The channel is regarded widely as nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Republican Party agenda in the United States. Many others say that it's pretty rubbish at even that.

The announcement stated that "Although Nigel Farage has failed conspicuously to be elected into the United Kingdom parliament and the party that he led still has fewer MPs that we have braincells, we think that his clear hatred for foreigners and desire to climb up Donald Trump's rectum make him a great fit, since these are two things that we share."

Mr Farage is happy for the work since his bestie President Trump failed to get him the job of British ambassador to the United States and has promised to only "hire American" for jobs he actually has some control over.

A British spokesman said, "Anything that keeps him as far away from the UK as possible has to be a good thing in our books. Fox News's gain is our even bigger gain. As long as they don't send him back when they find out what an arse he is, like they did with Piers Morgan."

Mine was bigger, Trump insists

Size is important

Donald Trump has insisted that "Mine was bigger," and this time was referring to the crowd at this inauguration.

Despite aerial photographs that clearly show the crowd for the Trump Inauguration was much smaller than that of the Bernie Finklestein Bar Mitzvah, taking place at the same time in downtown Washington DC, President Trump has continued to claim that his inauguration was bigger than anything yet seen on this planet.

"There were millions there. I know because I counted each one of them all myself," the newly-inaugurated President insisted.

Commentators added, "It's quite possible that President did count them himself, there were so few there."

"It was the biggest inauguration crowd ever and that is the end of it," a White House representative agreed with the President, ignoring all the available evidence.

"It's just like the Russian hacking scandal," one White House reporter said. "They ignored all the evidence there as well. It's not about truth and reality any more, just the size of Donald Trump's ego."

Which most people agree IS larger than any inauguration crowed ever.

Roman Polanski not judging children's film category, it is revealed

Polish director and most famous wanted rapist in the world may well have been chosen to head up the judging panel for the Cesars (that's Oscars with baguettes and class), but it has been announced that he won't be taking part in the judging of the Children's film category.

In 1978, Polanski was convicted in the USA of having sex with an underage girl, his defence that "They were all doing it. It was practically a national pastime," being rejected by the judge, the jury and the executioner. He immediately fled the country for places that wouldn't extradite him on the grounds that he 'made better films than Hollywood'.

He is also a staunch supported of Julian Assange, who also took refuge in another country to avoid sex charges.

Mlle Pellicule, a spokesperson for the Cesars organisers, the French Academy of Cinema Arts and Techniques, stated in a sexy french accent that "M. Polanski is an insatiable aesthete," before adding, "well, insatiable anyway."

Women's groups across France have promised to boycott the ceremony and to look up the word 'aesthete' as soon as they get home. 

Labour party celebrate one week without huge Corbyn gaffe

Labour party symbol:grown in manure

The Labour Party has celebrated being able to use the number 7 on their 'days since Jeremy cocked-up' chart for the first time.

A spokesman for the party cheerfully announced that this feat was managed through a careful combination of keeping the party leader from "saying anything" or "doing anything".

He added jovially, "It certainly didn't hurt having that horrorshow over the other side of the Atlantic, distracting everyone.

Mr Corbyn was not available for comment. The spokesman explained that they "certainly haven't got him locked up in the basement for his own safety".

Donald Trump tweets - I get the best protests

Protestors protest something somewhere

President Donald Trump has tweeted today that he "gets the best protests" and, for once, he might be telling the truth.

Having been elected despite getting less than half of the voters, it is fair to say that the President is not the most loved man in the United States of America, but few are the men who are so disliked that they can be protested about in countries of which they aren't even the President.

Women across the globe are protesting against President Trump's general policy of belittling, ignoring, grabbing and leering at women every chance he gets. If he's not calling them fat, ugly or "my daughter with the hottest body", he's bragging about grabbing parts of their bodies inappropriately. He also wants to take away their right to decide whether or not to have abortions and, following that, their rights as to whether or not they want to have sex with him.

"I'm rich and the President," he is reported as saying, "so I should decide who does and doesn't have sex with me, not the woman."

One women's right that he is not threatening is the right for his next wife to be imported from whichever country has the best catalogue prices.

There are expected to be far more celebrities in the marches than were persuaded to play at the Inauguration festivities.

In addition to the tweet about getting the best protests, Mr Trump also tweeted that there wouldn't be any hot women in the protests because "hot women dig me".

Hammond blames Blair, Henry the Eighth and Boadicea for Brexit

Chancellor of the Exchequer talks bollocks

Chancellor of the Exchequer (and therefore the man responsible for the spending of your taxes) has blamed Brexit on former Prime Minister Tony Blair, former king Henry the VIII and Celtic tribal chief Boadicea.

"If Tony Blair hadn't let all those dirty foreigners in from Eastern European," he said, "then Brexit would never have happened. And as for that Henry, he had those foreign wives, didn't he? That Spanish one and the horse that he married from Flanders, which I now know isn't the character from the Simpsons."

When challenged on his assertion that blame could also be laid at the feet of the famous female leader of the Iceni tribe who died around 61 AD, he replied, "I'm not really sure, but if you give me few minutes I'll come up with something."

The people that Mr Hammond said were "most definitely not responsible in any way whatsover" were Tory Prime Minister David Cameron who gave the people of the UK a referendum in the first place or the Tory Eurosceptic back benchers who insisted on it.

"Just because they spent years pressuring the government to leave the EU doesn't mean that they can be held responsible for finally succeeding," he declared. "I'm the Chancellor of the Exchequer, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be held responsible for anything, not when there are historical figures I can blame."

Political analyst Dee Prest said that this was no surprise. "The Conservative Party have had a long history of blaming every significant blunder on the previous Labour government. Ever since Mrs Thatcher, who just never admitted that anything was a mistake, every Conservative Party leader has blamed everything that they have done wrong on the last Labour government, no matter how long they have had in power to put things right."

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has yet to comment for fear of putting his foot in it.

Inuaguration speech promises world golden showers

Donald Trump has used his inauguration speech to promise that America will p*ss all over the rest of the world in order to give Americans the things they want.

"For too long," he said, "we have considered that people in other countries matter a little bit. That all stops now. We will continue to work with old allies who continue to speak our language, buy our stuff and join in any and all wars that we choose to start for whatever reason. We will p*iss all over the rest."

The 45th President of the United States went on to announce that he was going to, "increase the size of our military because I enjoyed playing with toy soldiers when I was a child and it will be so much fun to do the same with real ones."

He warned that he had "no plans" to bomb anywhere yet, mainly because he didn't "know any of the names of that round map thing in the office".

Former US Secretary of State Gary Cheetaman said, "He doesn't know what he's talking about. We've never cared about other countries and are quite happy to use them as target practice for our boys and as testing grounds for the weapons we plan to sell to Saudi Arabia. It's just business as usual."

President Trump concluded that, "Even though the Playstation 4 is way better than the X Box and BMW make way better cars than Ford and James Bond's a better spy than Jason Bourne, we will force the world to buy our substandard crap whilst refusing to buy their superior products. Oh, and we'll make Mexico pay for it."

Report says nuns mistreated children. Catholics everywhere reply 'Duh'.

Nuns on the run

Following the publication of a report into the mistreatment of children in Northern Irish care homes, it has become clear that nuns have been mistreating young people for some time. This does not appear to have surprised people in the Catholic community, most of whom were once children themselves.

"Nuns are always being shown as being harsh and evil," one not-so-young-anymore Catholic said. "Remember that horrible penguin woman from the Blues Brothers or the homicidal nuns in Black Narcissus or that really scary Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. She scared the bejeezus out of me and that's the truth. There are so many of them that it's practically a stereotype, but things only get to be a stereotype by being true most of the time."

"It's not like we needed a report to tell us any of this," he added. "I just think it's about time that somebody sorted all this out."

Oscars to run extra show just for In Memoriam reel

It will look fancier on the night

The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is to run a second Oscars awards show this year so that it can fit in the traditional clips of all the famous people from Hollywood who have died since last year.

With 2016 decimating the ranks of Tinseltown's finest, and 2017 not looking to change the formula, the show would have to be extended for an extra two hours to fit in the tribute to them all. Since the show is already a bum-numbing length, the show's bosses have decided to run an entirely separate show to make sure that nobody  famous actually dies during the reel's running time.

Speaking at the Academy's headquarters, a press spokesman said, "We have lost a large number of beloved friends this past year, including the Star Wars opening scroll.

The extra show will be directed by Michael Bay.

"Which is only fitting," the spokesperson commented, "since he has brought about the death of narrative cinema."

Netflix to stream The West Wing as an alternative to Trump presidency

The better option

Popular video streaming website Netflix is to offer 24 hour continuous streaming of The West Wing for those Americans looking for an alternative to the reality of a Donald Trump presidency.

The show, set in the White House under Democrat president Josiah Bartlett, depicted American politics as being carried out by smart, committed individuals who genuinely cared for the people they were serving.

"This is what we call 'counter programming'," a representative of the company said. "You show something that is the exact opposite of the popular show to capture the audience that doesn't like that. The audience in question here is over half of the US population."

Inauguration embarrassment as troll doll almost sworn in

Troll doll (we think)

Inauguration day disaster was narrowly averted in Washington DC today when a troll doll was almost sworn in as President of the United States of America instead of Donald Trump. Apparently on holiday and taking in the sights, the troll doll was spotted by the President -Elect's security detail and rushed up to the podium for the swearing in ceremony. It was only then that the error was discovered.

A spokesman for the Secret Service said, "It was an understandable mistake to make. They are almost the same colour and the hair is definitely the same."

The Republican GOP commented on the mix-up, stating, "It's no big thing. This is exactly the inauguration that we wanted. We don't know why everyone's making a fuss. We're just glad he got through the thing without grabbing anything."

Many Democrats have suggested that the country would have been better off with the troll doll.