Sharks to be killed for teens' rights to surf and look good.

Australia has announced plans to kill all the sharks in the sea so that its teenagers can surf and swim and wear baggy beach shorts and tiny bikinis in the waters around its coast.

"What right do these creatures have to exist and swim around, occasionally attacking pretty young people who invade their world in the name of drunken fun?" one politician demanded. "Sure, we could set up safe zones and use nets to keep the sharks out and we could try and educate our young people on the dangers of swimming in unsafe waters, but I ask you, have you ever tried to teach a teenager anything?"

Sharks have blamed Stephen Spielberg for their impending extinction. "Ever since people saw that movie Jaws, people have held sharks responsible for shark attacks. If someone jumps out in front of a moving truck, do you blame the truck? Do you ban all trucks from the roads? No, and that's because the Spielberg film Duel wasn't as popular as Jaws, though we think it's the better movie."

A spokesman for the Australian government responded, "Blimey, I didn't know sharks could talk."