No English, Welsh or Northern Irish referendums, May states

In the same week that Prime Minister Theresa May turned down calls from the SNP for a second 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence barely four years after the first 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence, it has emerged that she has also turned down further calls for referendums on this subject.

Pressure groups in England, Wales and Northern Ireland have all called for referendums in their countries as to whether Scotland should be allowed to stay in the United Kingdom on the grounds that "they're a bunch of expensive ingrates who we would all be better off without".

"All they ever do is whinge about how bad it is in Scotland and how it's everybody else's fault except the people who live there," a Hearts for Lions press release stated. Hearts for Lions is either an 'England for the English' pressure group or a charity helping sick lions get transplants. It's not entirely clear from their manifestos which it is.

"No doubt they'll keep on blaming the rest of us for their woes when they've gone," the pamphlet goes on, "but at least we won't have to listen to their bleating."

Welsh pressure groups have banded together to "support our Celtic brothers in their search for a way to leave the union", but add "if only so that we don't have to hear any more about haggises and whisky and Andy Murray."

The Northern Irish Assembly, what little of it is still assembled, pointed out that post-Brexit they would be having to build a wall along their southern border, so they could get the contractor to do another wall along the Anglo-Scottish border at the same time in order to save a bit of money.

Hadrian Building Services is favourite to win the contract.