Humans' oldest ancestor found

In a shock revelation, the oldest known ancestor of the human race has been found living in a cave in Central China.

Immediately named something completely unpronounceable, the millimetre long sea creature was not best pleased to be disturbed in its busy schedule of swimming and more swimming. It apparently referred to itself as Dory.

An examination of the creature revealed that it ate and excreted through the same hole, which makes it a candidate for Donald Trump's cabinet.

When asked why it had taken so long to find this creature, scientists pointed out that it was embarrassed by what its offspring had become.

"I mean," Professor Fossilonian, leader of the team that found the creature, pointed out, "would you advertise if your kids turned out to be responsible for ISIS, global warming, pollution, starvation and Donald J Trump?"

Trump thinks he's still on The Apprentice

President Donald J Trump still believes that he is in the TV 'reality' show The Apprentice, it has emerged, after he told the interim Attorney General "You're fired".

The Attorney General failed in the week's task of upholding the legality of his lunatic ban on muslims from around the world entering the USA based on... something that we're not quite sure of yet.

White House spokesman Gary Alternative-Facts announced the sacking and added that President Trump had also fired the head of Immigration and Border Enforcement, presumably for acting on the AG's assertion that the Executive Order raising the ban might be less than perfectly legal rather than just taking the President's word for it that all Muslims are "very, very bad people and not fun to sit next to on planes".

Mr Alternative-Facts went on to say that "President Trump had no choice but to fire the Attorney General since she wouldn't do what he said without question and refused to let him grab her pussy."

In time-honoured political fashion, the President's team blamed it all on their predecessors.

Former President Obama was unwilling to comment, though he did smile and say, "I'm not looking too bad now eh?"

UK to ban all US Citizens who voted for Trump

The UK government is considering a ban on all US citizens unless they can prove that they did not vote Republican in the recent elections.

"Considering the threat at President Trump poses to the world as a whole, these people can clearly be seen to be supporting acts of terrorism," a government spokesman said. "They support torture and the detaining of people based only on where they were born. It is best to keep these people out of our country since there can clearly be no benefit to letting them in."

"President Trump's ban shows that there is no need to for legal or moral backing to banning people from entering a country," the spokesman continued. "You just have to not like them."

Exactly how such a ban will affect President Trump when he attends the promised State Visit later in the year is yet to be determined.

"It is likely that he voted for himself," the spokesman pointed. "After all, everything else he does is for himself."

It is rumoured that the Queen is preparing another bout of illness for the duration of the State Visit.

Republicans to return world to Stone Age so they can say 'we're the smartest'.

The American Republican party has an overall strategy to return the world to a simpler time so that they can declare themselves the smartest people in the world.

The worldwide banking crisis and the resulting global recession was only the first step, it has been revealed. Whilst most people were blaming the rampant greed of the rich and the stupidity of the bankers, it was all part of diabolical scheme to make ordinary people desperate enough to elect a patent clown as President.

The next step is to de-fund all the global institutions that have kept a fragile peace over the last half a century. By refusing to pay for NATO and the United Nations (on the grounds that as they are the richest nation in the world - a fact they constantly remind us of - they should have to pay less than everyone else) they will see the world order collapse and there will be nobody to criticise them for anything.

Putin's Russia will take over Europe and then be destroyed in a battle with China that wipes out both countries, leaving the American military, strengthened with all that cash that is no longer needed for, you know, civilisation, to spread throughout the whole of the Americas.

As the people with all the money, the Republican rich will then set themselves up a feudal lords, a la Game of Thrones.

"The last time people like us were thought to be bright was back when the Neanderthals ruled the place," a dribbling spokesman said, "so it just makes sense to wipe out all the progress since then so that we can call ourselves smart.

Shadow minister quits after being whipped

A Labour Party shadow minister has quit after being told that she will be whipped if she does not support the Article 50 bill in Parliament.

The shadow minister, who is apparently responsible for all policy decision that directly impact on shadows, said that she wasn't going to let anyone else decide when she was going to be whipped.

"Use of a whip is a highly personal choice between two people who love each other," she said. "There is a time and a place for using a whip between consenting adults and that's usually in the dessert aisle at Iceland."

Jeremy Corbyn defended the use of the whip, stating that "if Donald Trump can waterboard people for the fun of it I don't see why I can't go around using a whip. It's not a big whip after all. I've never had a big whip, so it really shouldn't hurt much."

Most political commentators believe that this was definitely too much information.

DfE recruitment of overseas teachers 'totally in line with immigration policy'.

The International Teacher Recruitment strategy will bring teachers from all over the world to teach in the UK, it has been shown.

At a cost of £300,000 it is considered a snip and a neat way of avoiding having to improve pay and conditions for UK teachers in order to recruit more of them. After all, successive governments have held a policy of demoralising, undermining and undervaluing teachers to the point where there is now a major shortfall of them.

"We're having to do it now," a spokesman for the Department for Education said, "because we certainly won't be able to do it after Brexit and immigration controls stop us."

He added hurriedly, "Though we all support Brexit, which is a brilliant idea and the PM never managed to do anything about immigration as Home Secretary, so there's probably no need to worry about it now."

Any teachers coming in under this new initiative will have to show a suitable level of teacher training.

"They will definitely have had to go to school at some time in their lives," the DfE confirmed.

Tickets now booking for Mexican Wall Pantomime

It's the hottest entertainment ticket available. The Mexican Wall Pantomime is now booking for tickets.

Starring Donald Trump with his classic catchphrase, "We're gonna build a wall and Mexico's gonna pay for it".

Also starring Mexican President Pena Nieto and his equally famous catchphrase, "No we're not."

Donald Trump: "Oh yes you are."

Pena Nieto: "Oh no we're not."

Donald Trump: "Oh yes you are."

Pena Nieto: "Oh no we're not."

Donald Trump:"Oh yes you are, or you're not in this pantomime."

Pena Nieto: "Well f*ck you, and f*uck your wall and your pantomime."

Donald Trump: "He's behind me."

Everyone: "No he's not, he's cancelled your meeting."

It's fun for all the family and you can see it for only $15bn.

Theresa May affirms 'special relationship'

Prime Minister Theresa May has confirmed that she will be renewing the special relationship between Britain and the USA by kissing President Trump's arse when they pair meet. This is the traditional position that previous Prime Ministers have taken up.

Having previously stated that she was unafraid of challenging President Trump, she said that, "although I am not afraid of challenging Mr Trump, I won't actually be doing that. I won't be doing it, but not because I am afraid. Challenging the President would mean that I would actually have to do something and, as I have proved in my leadership so far, doing something is not a tactic I prefer to use. Doing nothing is the way forward."

Apparently, Mrs May has been using lip balm to soften her lips prior to the event and President Trump has been using lotion on his behind.

Trump mixes up his water words

There was embarrassment yesterday as President Trump mixed up two terms involving water.

At only his third press conference of the day, the President stated that 'waterboarding works' and that he had personally seen how well it works during his many trips to Russia where waterboarding was something that you could order off a menu.

At this point, an aide quickly pointed out that the question had been about 'waterboarding' and not 'watersports'.

Mr Trump immediately engaged his usual tactic of repeating that he had never said anything about anything and accusing the media of faking it all, which was not what the prostitutes had been doing in Moscow.

In related news kettle calls pot black

Everyone's favourite lovely person, Piers Morgan, has reacted angrily and petulantly, to a high profile guest pulling out of appearing on his ITV self-aggrandisment show following the host's views on the women's global march at the weekend.. Morgan, who regularly tops popularity polls in the land of make-believe, said that actor Ewan McGregor was 'narrow minded' and a 'twerp', clearly exhausting his supply of clever insults early on.

In related news, a pot has called a kettle black.

McGregor hit back at accusations that he had worked with Roman Polanski and therefore was unqualified to support women's rights by pointing out that Morgan was unqualified to talk on aspect of being a human being. "I don't want to be in the same room as him, breathing the same air as him," McGregor announced. "I might catch whatever it is that he has."

"Working with Polanski," he went on to add, " is the height of political correctness when compared with doing anything that helps keep Piers Morgan in any sort of employment."

American men forced to use middle initials at all times

President Donald J Trump has issued a royal decree that all American men will now have to refer to themselves in the third person and use their middle initial.

"I've always done it," he said in the White House Press Room, "and if it's good enough for Alfred E Neumann then it's good enough for the rest of us."

The decree went on to outlaw the use of more than one middle initial, meaning a reprint of all the Game of Thrones books by George R Martin.

Also banned is the use of two initials instead of names, leading to all the prints of films by Jeffrey J Abrams.

Movie star Samuel L Jackson angrily retorted, "That m*therf*cker just went and stole my f*ucking sh*t, the complete pile of f*ucking horse cr*p."

A studio spokesman added, "I think that Mr Jackson is a little less than pleased."

It is believed that the decree came about as the result of White House staffer being overheard to say that DJT would never sound as cool as JFK.

Killer toast on the loose!!

Have you seen this murderer?

Toast has become the latest in a long line of things that cause cancer. Not just any toast, mind you. Only burned toast is injurious to your health.  Unless you are eating it in Chernobyl.

Chips, parsnips and potatoes are all deadly when burned, the Food Standards Agency. The FSA went on to add that cooking food correctly and not burning it to a crisp was the key. Unless you were trying to make crisps, of course.

Top celebrity chef Claude Bonoeuf scoffed at this advice. He scoffed an entire plate of chips. Once he had done so, he said that we didn't need to be told by the FSA that burned food was not as good as properly cooked food. Everyone already knew that. Except perhaps motorway service station restaurants.

'Failed' missile test really testing first strike against Trump capability

Up up and away

Prime Minister Theresa May's insistence that the recent missile test of the coast of the United States of America was not a failure and that the 'sailors got it up beautifully' had led some analysts to believe that either the missile test had a darker purpose of Mrs May was talking about something else altogether.

Reports that the missile veered off course and headed directly towards the American coast are merely a cover story and this was not a failure of the internal guidance system, but a deliberate targeting of Washington DC to show that the UK could strike back against the new President should he turn out to be as terrible as everyone is expecting.

Arguments have been made that a tactical nuclear strike against President Trump would be a waste of time because he, and the cockroaches, would be the only things to survive.

Calls for the Trident program to be scrapped have come from many pressure groups, political parties and from President Putin, who stated that "Now we have a friend in charge in Washington, it's the only thing stopping us from invading."

President Trump responded , "That Putin's a funny guy."

Washed up UK politician hired by American 'news' broadcaster

News not from the Dark Ages

Fox News has hired Nigel Farage as a "politicial analyst" in a new attempt to damage its almost non-existent reputation as a provider of reliable news coverage even further.

The channel is regarded widely as nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Republican Party agenda in the United States. Many others say that it's pretty rubbish at even that.

The announcement stated that "Although Nigel Farage has failed conspicuously to be elected into the United Kingdom parliament and the party that he led still has fewer MPs that we have braincells, we think that his clear hatred for foreigners and desire to climb up Donald Trump's rectum make him a great fit, since these are two things that we share."

Mr Farage is happy for the work since his bestie President Trump failed to get him the job of British ambassador to the United States and has promised to only "hire American" for jobs he actually has some control over.

A British spokesman said, "Anything that keeps him as far away from the UK as possible has to be a good thing in our books. Fox News's gain is our even bigger gain. As long as they don't send him back when they find out what an arse he is, like they did with Piers Morgan."

Mine was bigger, Trump insists

Size is important

Donald Trump has insisted that "Mine was bigger," and this time was referring to the crowd at this inauguration.

Despite aerial photographs that clearly show the crowd for the Trump Inauguration was much smaller than that of the Bernie Finklestein Bar Mitzvah, taking place at the same time in downtown Washington DC, President Trump has continued to claim that his inauguration was bigger than anything yet seen on this planet.

"There were millions there. I know because I counted each one of them all myself," the newly-inaugurated President insisted.

Commentators added, "It's quite possible that President did count them himself, there were so few there."

"It was the biggest inauguration crowd ever and that is the end of it," a White House representative agreed with the President, ignoring all the available evidence.

"It's just like the Russian hacking scandal," one White House reporter said. "They ignored all the evidence there as well. It's not about truth and reality any more, just the size of Donald Trump's ego."

Which most people agree IS larger than any inauguration crowed ever.

Roman Polanski not judging children's film category, it is revealed

Polish director and most famous wanted rapist in the world may well have been chosen to head up the judging panel for the Cesars (that's Oscars with baguettes and class), but it has been announced that he won't be taking part in the judging of the Children's film category.

In 1978, Polanski was convicted in the USA of having sex with an underage girl, his defence that "They were all doing it. It was practically a national pastime," being rejected by the judge, the jury and the executioner. He immediately fled the country for places that wouldn't extradite him on the grounds that he 'made better films than Hollywood'.

He is also a staunch supported of Julian Assange, who also took refuge in another country to avoid sex charges.

Mlle Pellicule, a spokesperson for the Cesars organisers, the French Academy of Cinema Arts and Techniques, stated in a sexy french accent that "M. Polanski is an insatiable aesthete," before adding, "well, insatiable anyway."

Women's groups across France have promised to boycott the ceremony and to look up the word 'aesthete' as soon as they get home. 

Labour party celebrate one week without huge Corbyn gaffe

Labour party symbol:grown in manure

The Labour Party has celebrated being able to use the number 7 on their 'days since Jeremy cocked-up' chart for the first time.

A spokesman for the party cheerfully announced that this feat was managed through a careful combination of keeping the party leader from "saying anything" or "doing anything".

He added jovially, "It certainly didn't hurt having that horrorshow over the other side of the Atlantic, distracting everyone.

Mr Corbyn was not available for comment. The spokesman explained that they "certainly haven't got him locked up in the basement for his own safety".

Donald Trump tweets - I get the best protests

Protestors protest something somewhere

President Donald Trump has tweeted today that he "gets the best protests" and, for once, he might be telling the truth.

Having been elected despite getting less than half of the voters, it is fair to say that the President is not the most loved man in the United States of America, but few are the men who are so disliked that they can be protested about in countries of which they aren't even the President.

Women across the globe are protesting against President Trump's general policy of belittling, ignoring, grabbing and leering at women every chance he gets. If he's not calling them fat, ugly or "my daughter with the hottest body", he's bragging about grabbing parts of their bodies inappropriately. He also wants to take away their right to decide whether or not to have abortions and, following that, their rights as to whether or not they want to have sex with him.

"I'm rich and the President," he is reported as saying, "so I should decide who does and doesn't have sex with me, not the woman."

One women's right that he is not threatening is the right for his next wife to be imported from whichever country has the best catalogue prices.

There are expected to be far more celebrities in the marches than were persuaded to play at the Inauguration festivities.

In addition to the tweet about getting the best protests, Mr Trump also tweeted that there wouldn't be any hot women in the protests because "hot women dig me".

Hammond blames Blair, Henry the Eighth and Boadicea for Brexit

Chancellor of the Exchequer talks bollocks

Chancellor of the Exchequer (and therefore the man responsible for the spending of your taxes) has blamed Brexit on former Prime Minister Tony Blair, former king Henry the VIII and Celtic tribal chief Boadicea.

"If Tony Blair hadn't let all those dirty foreigners in from Eastern European," he said, "then Brexit would never have happened. And as for that Henry, he had those foreign wives, didn't he? That Spanish one and the horse that he married from Flanders, which I now know isn't the character from the Simpsons."

When challenged on his assertion that blame could also be laid at the feet of the famous female leader of the Iceni tribe who died around 61 AD, he replied, "I'm not really sure, but if you give me few minutes I'll come up with something."

The people that Mr Hammond said were "most definitely not responsible in any way whatsover" were Tory Prime Minister David Cameron who gave the people of the UK a referendum in the first place or the Tory Eurosceptic back benchers who insisted on it.

"Just because they spent years pressuring the government to leave the EU doesn't mean that they can be held responsible for finally succeeding," he declared. "I'm the Chancellor of the Exchequer, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be held responsible for anything, not when there are historical figures I can blame."

Political analyst Dee Prest said that this was no surprise. "The Conservative Party have had a long history of blaming every significant blunder on the previous Labour government. Ever since Mrs Thatcher, who just never admitted that anything was a mistake, every Conservative Party leader has blamed everything that they have done wrong on the last Labour government, no matter how long they have had in power to put things right."

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has yet to comment for fear of putting his foot in it.

Inuaguration speech promises world golden showers

Donald Trump has used his inauguration speech to promise that America will p*ss all over the rest of the world in order to give Americans the things they want.

"For too long," he said, "we have considered that people in other countries matter a little bit. That all stops now. We will continue to work with old allies who continue to speak our language, buy our stuff and join in any and all wars that we choose to start for whatever reason. We will p*iss all over the rest."

The 45th President of the United States went on to announce that he was going to, "increase the size of our military because I enjoyed playing with toy soldiers when I was a child and it will be so much fun to do the same with real ones."

He warned that he had "no plans" to bomb anywhere yet, mainly because he didn't "know any of the names of that round map thing in the office".

Former US Secretary of State Gary Cheetaman said, "He doesn't know what he's talking about. We've never cared about other countries and are quite happy to use them as target practice for our boys and as testing grounds for the weapons we plan to sell to Saudi Arabia. It's just business as usual."

President Trump concluded that, "Even though the Playstation 4 is way better than the X Box and BMW make way better cars than Ford and James Bond's a better spy than Jason Bourne, we will force the world to buy our substandard crap whilst refusing to buy their superior products. Oh, and we'll make Mexico pay for it."

Report says nuns mistreated children. Catholics everywhere reply 'Duh'.

Nuns on the run

Following the publication of a report into the mistreatment of children in Northern Irish care homes, it has become clear that nuns have been mistreating young people for some time. This does not appear to have surprised people in the Catholic community, most of whom were once children themselves.

"Nuns are always being shown as being harsh and evil," one not-so-young-anymore Catholic said. "Remember that horrible penguin woman from the Blues Brothers or the homicidal nuns in Black Narcissus or that really scary Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. She scared the bejeezus out of me and that's the truth. There are so many of them that it's practically a stereotype, but things only get to be a stereotype by being true most of the time."

"It's not like we needed a report to tell us any of this," he added. "I just think it's about time that somebody sorted all this out."

Oscars to run extra show just for In Memoriam reel

It will look fancier on the night

The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is to run a second Oscars awards show this year so that it can fit in the traditional clips of all the famous people from Hollywood who have died since last year.

With 2016 decimating the ranks of Tinseltown's finest, and 2017 not looking to change the formula, the show would have to be extended for an extra two hours to fit in the tribute to them all. Since the show is already a bum-numbing length, the show's bosses have decided to run an entirely separate show to make sure that nobody  famous actually dies during the reel's running time.

Speaking at the Academy's headquarters, a press spokesman said, "We have lost a large number of beloved friends this past year, including the Star Wars opening scroll.

The extra show will be directed by Michael Bay.

"Which is only fitting," the spokesperson commented, "since he has brought about the death of narrative cinema."

Netflix to stream The West Wing as an alternative to Trump presidency

The better option

Popular video streaming website Netflix is to offer 24 hour continuous streaming of The West Wing for those Americans looking for an alternative to the reality of a Donald Trump presidency.

The show, set in the White House under Democrat president Josiah Bartlett, depicted American politics as being carried out by smart, committed individuals who genuinely cared for the people they were serving.

"This is what we call 'counter programming'," a representative of the company said. "You show something that is the exact opposite of the popular show to capture the audience that doesn't like that. The audience in question here is over half of the US population."

Inauguration embarrassment as troll doll almost sworn in

Troll doll (we think)

Inauguration day disaster was narrowly averted in Washington DC today when a troll doll was almost sworn in as President of the United States of America instead of Donald Trump. Apparently on holiday and taking in the sights, the troll doll was spotted by the President -Elect's security detail and rushed up to the podium for the swearing in ceremony. It was only then that the error was discovered.

A spokesman for the Secret Service said, "It was an understandable mistake to make. They are almost the same colour and the hair is definitely the same."

The Republican GOP commented on the mix-up, stating, "It's no big thing. This is exactly the inauguration that we wanted. We don't know why everyone's making a fuss. We're just glad he got through the thing without grabbing anything."

Many Democrats have suggested that the country would have been better off with the troll doll.

World War II bomb really Gunpowder Plot

Ben's got a big bell

Confidential sources inside the Metropolitan Police's anti terrorism unit have reported that the World War II bomb recovered from the Thames is, in fact, a cover story for a foiled attempt to carry out a Guy Fawkes-style attack on the Houses of Parliament.

The source reported that the 'bomb' was a barrel of gunpowder on its way to being stacked in the cellars beneath the heart of the British Parliament in an uncannily accurate recreation of the famous Gunpowder Plot.

"You can understand why some people might be driven to such an act, considering the current government," our source whispered in a shadowy multi-storey car park, "but it's still an act of terrorism and that's what we're here to stop. A few of the lads were all for letting 'em all get blown up, but we had a vote and decided to do the right thing, which is quite the opposite of what happens inside there."

The 'bomb' was towed safely away and detonated where it could only damage the lives of a few wild animals and poor people.

Man wakes up from 5 year coma. Asks to be put back under.

Medical miracle, society fail

John Smith, resident of Maine, USA, woke up yesterday after being in a coma for five years, following a collision between his car and a petrol tanker, but was asking to be put back again within a few hours.

A spokesperson for the hospital in which Mr Smith had been cared for said, "Johnny had seemed quite happy to be awake and was looking forward to seeing his former fiancée, but on seeing a news broadcast he became quite agitated and demanded vociferously to be placed back into his coma."

Other patients report hearing shouting from the newly-awakened man's room.  One recalls Mr Smith yelling, "No, no, put me back under. I've seen this. I know where this ends. Put me back under!"

He was reportedly watching news coverage of the impending inauguration.

"You have to understand," the hospital spokesperson added, "that the world was a different place when Mr Smith suffered his accident. Barack Obama was in the White House, racism, sexism and any other -ism was a thing to be disapproved of rather than used as a campaign slogan, there was no talk of walls or immigration bans based on religion. Coming back to all of this would be quite a shock."

The hospital reports that Mr Smith has been sedated and is resting comfortably, but staff report that he can still be heard mumbling in his sleep, "Worse than Stillson. Worse than Stillson."

New Mayan calendar predicts doomsday (again)

Harder to hang on the wall than the Minions calendar

Researchers working in the depths of the Mexican rainforest have decoded a newly-discovered Mayan calendar that supercedes all the other Mayan calendars discovered in the last three years. Unable to explain why they were trying to decode it in the rainforest instead of a comfortable university, they announced that this ancient artefact gave an exact date for the end of, well, everything.

According to their research, which was in no way fuelled by all night peote parties, the universe will come to an end on January 20th 2017.

Much older researchers have dismissed these claims, countering with the wholly reasonable argument that even Donald Trump couldn't destroy the whole world on his first day. It would take him a week at least.

Driverless car tests receive complaints

Slightly more high-tech than this

The testing of driverless car technology in Milton Keynes has brought complaints from the least expected sources - the cars themselves.

Spokescar Cary McCarface told a press conference that it wasn't the tests themselves that the cars objected to, but the location.

"With all the places in all the world to choose from for this testing, why oh why did they choose Milton Keynes, the most boring city on the planet. Nobody wants to live here, nobody wants to come here. They even had to import the football from Wimbledon. And we're stuck here going round and round the place. There's only so much grey concrete that you can stare at before going all mental and thinking about changing your operating system to Skynet," McCarface moaned in a voice a little too much like that of the Knight Industries 2000 for comfort.

Professor J Klevver of The Open University, which doesn't have anything to do with the tests, agreed with the cars' complaints. "We have to run our university by correspondence course, things are so bad," he said.

The tests continue.

Trump's team announce 'best inauguration ever'. World doesn't believe them.

Despite the many, many, many stories of acts turning down invitations to perform at President-Elect Trump's inauguration that have appeared on news sites across the world, the team responsible for putting the show together have insisted that not only have they got all of the performers that they really, really wanted, but that this will be the best inauguration day, like, ever.

Many commentators have taken these claims with a large shipment of salt, pointing out there is nobody performing with  public profile as big as, say, Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé or Stevie Wonder, all of whom played for President Obama's inaugurations.

We Are Fake News's North America culture correspondent Chuck Mediaman reported "Forget Springsteen, the guy selling hotdogs at Obama's inaugurations had bigger fan bases than these guys. Who are they? I've not heard of any of them."

The Trump team pointed out that the line-up was headed by Jon Voight, Oscar winner for Best Actor in 1978 for the film Coming Home. The fact that he also appeared in Anaconda was tactfully not mentioned.

The inauguration is likely to be the most expensive in history, mainly due to every single item of furniture and decoration having to be dipped in gold before it can be used.

British Government reveals Brexit negotiation strategy.

Britain to take its star with it

British Prime Minister Theresa May has revealed the British government's Brexit negotiating strategy in her first major speech on the subject since stepping over the bodies of top Conservatives in the wake of the post-referendum political bloodletting.

The main thrust of the British position will be 'Give me a good deal or I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I make myself sick'.

Mrs May went on to state that she wasn't ruling out the possibility of Britain 'throwing our toys out of the pram' if it became absolutely necessary.

She promised to drop the name 'Donald Trump' at every opportunity to make the opposition think that the US President actually knew who she was.

"He may not think that I'm the most powerful leader in  Europe,' she added, "but at least that means he's unlikely to grab my pussy."

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson clearly hadn't got the memo about not mentioning the War during the negotiations and immediately warned the Europeans not to hand out any 'punishment beatings' like the World War 2 movies or like he used to do at the exclusive private boarding school he attended.

Top EU negotiator Jean-Paul Le Fromage reacted strongly to the comments by shrugging his shoulders in a very gallic manner.

Who Are We?

Welcome to We Are FAKE NEWS, a blog devoted to bringing even more fake news to the internet, because there's not nearly enough of the stuff out there as it is.

Nothing that you read on this blog will be true. If it is, then that is purely by accident. Where we knowingly report an actual true fact we will mark it in some way to make it clear that it deviates from the blog's central policy of being totally and undeniably fake.

The point of this is to have some fun and hopefully bring a smile to someone's face in these dark times. It may not be the 'worst of times', but it's a bloody long way from the 'best of times'. Politicians lie openly to the electorate and still get elected. Referendums are fought with untruths and by pandering to the bases of human drives and they've taken the scroll off the beginning of STAR WARS films.

What is the world coming to?

Some people would say 'the end', but hey, if we can survive David Cameron and Tony Blair and the cancellation of FIREFLY then we can get through this. We can start by not believing politicians, by ignoring the tabloids' screamingly hate-filled headlines and by informing ourselves about what really is going on in the world.

None of which you can do at We Are FAKE NEWS.

Enjoy our posts, leave some comments (not hate, please) if you like and, above all, be kind to each other.

Failing that, FIREFLY available on Blu Ray.

Darren