No English, Welsh or Northern Irish referendums, May states

In the same week that Prime Minister Theresa May turned down calls from the SNP for a second 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence barely four years after the first 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence, it has emerged that she has also turned down further calls for referendums on this subject.

Pressure groups in England, Wales and Northern Ireland have all called for referendums in their countries as to whether Scotland should be allowed to stay in the United Kingdom on the grounds that "they're a bunch of expensive ingrates who we would all be better off without".

"All they ever do is whinge about how bad it is in Scotland and how it's everybody else's fault except the people who live there," a Hearts for Lions press release stated. Hearts for Lions is either an 'England for the English' pressure group or a charity helping sick lions get transplants. It's not entirely clear from their manifestos which it is.

"No doubt they'll keep on blaming the rest of us for their woes when they've gone," the pamphlet goes on, "but at least we won't have to listen to their bleating."

Welsh pressure groups have banded together to "support our Celtic brothers in their search for a way to leave the union", but add "if only so that we don't have to hear any more about haggises and whisky and Andy Murray."

The Northern Irish Assembly, what little of it is still assembled, pointed out that post-Brexit they would be having to build a wall along their southern border, so they could get the contractor to do another wall along the Anglo-Scottish border at the same time in order to save a bit of money.

Hadrian Building Services is favourite to win the contract.

Leaders promise more grown up debate about Scottish Referendum and Brexit

Leaders of the both the Westminster and Scottish Parliaments have promised to act in a more mature and dignified manner over the question of the Brexit negotiations and this week's excuse for calling for a new Scottish referendum.

One leading Scottish politician was seen shouting, "You're a coward, a coward!" and making chicken noises in the expectation that the Prime Minister would immediately roll over and offer a referendum just to prove that she wasn't frightened.

Mrs May herself ignored all this, saying, "Talk to the hand because it's covered with jam and more likely to pay attention to you than I am."

Exactly what she meant by this is not yet known.

Nicola Sturgeon, for her part, when told that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, shouted, "I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I  make myself sick."

She didn't need all three scweams... screams.

Parents have now stepped in a told the children to play nicely or they won't get any dessert at tea time.

White House plan to rent out Trump to Premiers who 'need to look good'.

The White House Administration has announced a new plan to capitalise on President Trump's apparent lack of experience and ability by renting him out to the leaders of other countries who are suffering at home and need to make a positive impression.

"This week alone, we have seen the Irish Prime Minister and the German Chancellor both stand up alongside the President and look like true political powerhouses in comparison," chief White House salesman Gus Dealermann pointed out at the launch of the programme. "Simply standing alongside our President makes other world leaders seem that much greater in stature. So, if you're a complete failure on domestic issues and don't have and independent referendum to call on every time you need to distract the electorate from your shortcomings, just get in touch and, for a modest fee, we'll have you in a press conference with the US President and looking the best that you ever have."

The programme charges a little extra for discreet eye-rolling opportunities and offers up special deals on the chance to rubbish the President's faltering stance on immigration.

When asked what the President himself thought of this plan, Dealermann said that he knew nothing about it since they hadn't advertised on Fox News or during the children's hour on other channels. "He doesn't seem to notice when other leaders are openly mocking him, so I doubt that he'll notice this."

The only person to have signed on to the programme and not to have benefitted was Britain's own Theresa May, due to the fact that she was so desperate to get on the President's good side that she ended up looking like an abandoned puppy.

"We can't help everyone," Dealermann pointed out, sadly.

Theresa May - This woman IS for turning

One week after announcing an increase in National Insurance Contributions for people who don't have a boss to blame, Theresa May's Conservative government has announced that the plan was quite clearly the work of the Devil himself and don't have a clue how anybody could have believed that they meant it.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer's explanation that "it's still the right thing to do, but we care more about how we look and getting re-elected than doing what's right", was not considered as being the most robust excuse for a U turn so big that it can be seen from space. It was, however, greeted as being at least more honest than the usual government response.

At Prime Minister's Insult Time, Mrs May said that throwing her Chancellor under the bus for a cock-up that neither of them saw coming when both of them should have was "the only thing a Prime Minister who has never faced a general election can do." 

Jeremy Corbyn said that this showed a government in 'chaos', and we should all believe him because if there is anyone who recognises political chaos then it's Jeremy Corbyn.

SNP redefine a 'generation' as every four years or so

The Scottish National Party has called for another 'once in a generation' referendum on Scottish Independence to take place barely four years after the last 'once in generation' referendum on the grounds that the 'silly b*ggers didn't choose our way last time'.

Party spokesman Jock McTavish the Noo explained, "We were elected on a manifesto promise to demand a new referendum at every opportunity. Brexit is the current opportunity of choice, but we also consider Scotland losing at the rugby, or the football, or the cricket or, in fact, any sport you like to mention except Andy Murray (and if Novak Djokovic gets himself sorted that's going to look iffy) as suitable excuses. We also have the old standby of someone sneezing on the shores of Loch Lomond. I know that may sound a bit random, but it can't be just anyone sneezing, it has to be someone verifiably Scottish."

The SNP have demanded that they get to choose when the referendum takes place, what the question is and exactly who will vote. They currently suggest only those people who are members of the party and have sworn a blood oath to make Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon the new King and Queen of Scotland.

"Look," McTavish the Noo continued, "we can't start a war to distract from our failings on education and health and pretty much every other aspect of our performance like Thatcher and Blair did, so this is all we have."

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, there was a general rolling of eyes and mutters of 'here they go again', although one child protection charity did suggest that "if they genuinely believe that you can create a new generation every four years, we really have to look into their child protection standards".