George Osborne quits as MP because ignoring poor people's problems takes up too much time.

George Osborne, former Chancellor of the Exchequer and one time most hated man in Britain (Piers Morgan was plying his tw*ttery in America) has quit the lowest paid of his 257 business interests because it was forcing him to feign too much interest in ordinary people.

"Being an MP is generally great," he said as he announced that he would not be standing as part of Theresa May's coup in June, "There's the expenses, the power lunches, the expenses, the first class travel, the expenses, the ability to openly shaft the working classes, the expenses and, oh did I mention the expenses?"

He added, "The problem is the public, of course. People kept bothering me with requests to 'represent' them and to 'help' them and things like that. They simply did not understand that being a Member of Parliament is about sitting around laughing at the poor and disabled whilst taking their benefits away, not some nonsense about serving the people you conned into voting for you."

When asked what he was going to be doing with all his new free time, he explained, "Well, I have to convert all those back-room promises from my time as Chancellor into high-paying, low work boardroom positions. And now that I'm no longer going to be actively screwing the ordinary people I will be able to devote more time to using my newspaper editor position to shield my friends who still are.

Sharks to be killed for teens' rights to surf and look good.

Australia has announced plans to kill all the sharks in the sea so that its teenagers can surf and swim and wear baggy beach shorts and tiny bikinis in the waters around its coast.

"What right do these creatures have to exist and swim around, occasionally attacking pretty young people who invade their world in the name of drunken fun?" one politician demanded. "Sure, we could set up safe zones and use nets to keep the sharks out and we could try and educate our young people on the dangers of swimming in unsafe waters, but I ask you, have you ever tried to teach a teenager anything?"

Sharks have blamed Stephen Spielberg for their impending extinction. "Ever since people saw that movie Jaws, people have held sharks responsible for shark attacks. If someone jumps out in front of a moving truck, do you blame the truck? Do you ban all trucks from the roads? No, and that's because the Spielberg film Duel wasn't as popular as Jaws, though we think it's the better movie."

A spokesman for the Australian government responded, "Blimey, I didn't know sharks could talk."

Trump administration not quite sure where fleet is

White House officials have announced that the 'armada' that was ordered to waters off North Korea is, in fact, nowhere near waters off North Korea. The 'flotilla' has been reported cruising around near Indonesia "catching some rays and generally frolicking about in the sea" there.

When asked where the 'squadron' was going, a White House official responded, "The waters off North Korea, probably, maybe."

Some commentators have seen this as a deliberate plan to keep North Korean and Chinese governments off-balance whilst others have seen it as Trump being less of a hard man than he thought and changing his mind whilst trying to save face on this about turn.

North Korean officials have stated that they "were in no way intimidated by the size of the American aircraft carriers and it is pure coincidence that their leader, Kim Jong-Un is always pictured wearing brown trousers".

General election call not naked grab for power, May denies

Prime Minister and alleged Margaret Thatcher clone Theresa May has denied that her call for an early election (something that she had previously promised would not happen) is a naked grab for power.

"Public nudity is something for students on holiday in Ibiza," she stated, "not for emotionless cyborgs masquerading as human politicians. Therefore this is, if anything, a fully-clothed grab for power".

When asked why she was asking for this election when she had so recently sworn that she would not call a snap general election, she elaborated, "I wasn't sure that I could win then. I wasn't about to call an election without being absolutely certain that I could win. Do you have any idea how much backstabbing and betrayals have gone into my usurping the leadership of the party and the country? I wasn't about to urinate that up a wall until I had managed to brainwash the British public into thinking that I was a better choice than Jeremy Corbyn. Admittedly, I had thought that this would take longer."

Potential slogans for the Conservative campaign have already been leaked with 'Make Britain America's Bitch Again' and 'More Trump Than Trump' being early front runners.  Manifesto promises such as allowing Donald Trump to grab the Queen's p*ssy during his state visit, the building of a wall between Scotland and the rest of the UK (tricky when it comes to the bit between Scotland and Northern Ireland, admittedly), the shooting of all foreign residents who don't pledge personal allegiance to Mrs May and making the Channel Tunnel one way only (towards France) have been inked in already.

Renowned political analyst Roger Crotchett stated, "This was an inevitable move by Theresa Thatcher... sorry I mean May. I keep getting the two mixed up. Anyway, Maggie May could never get this job under normal circumstances, considering her abilities and policies, so underhanded tactics were to be expected. She refused to give an election when they might vote for anyone other than her. It's understandable from someone with her moral."

Other commentators were surprised that there was someone willing to ascribe moral values of any kind to the Prime Minister.

Calls for Mrs May to submit her DNA for comparison against former Conservative dictator Margaret Thatcher have been refused.

On social media, the battle lines have already been drawn with Conservative supporters talking about money and Labour supporters talking about people.

In a surprise move, the Council of Sith Lords has announced that it will be voting against Mrs May because she "scares the living cr*p out of us." 

After Melania debacle, Daily Mail to apologise to everyone in order to save time

The Daily Mail has announced that it is going to save time and apologise to everyone that it has ever written a story about.

The so-called newspaper, which even Wikipedia doesn't trust for facts, is to avoid further lawsuits by simply admitting that it never fact-checked a single story and made it all up as it went along. This decision was made at a fractious editors' meeting where the previous plan of blaming it all on immigrants, single parents and Labour voters was abandoned because "it wasn't going to work this time."

Melania Trump is reported to be pleased that her name has been cleared of the paper's charge of being an escort in her past and Donald Trump is reported pleased that at least someone in the family can win in court.

There is no word yet on an apology to anyone who happened to read the Daily Mail by mistake, although counselling centres have been set up by the NHS.

Trump wants to use all the soldier toys before getting impeached

The White House has admitted that President Trump is intent on using every piece of military hardware as quickly as possible so that he can get them all in before any impeachment procedures can be started.

White House sources, who didn't want to be named because they are too embarrassed at working in the Trump administration, stated that "President Trump enjoys seeing things blown up almost as much as he likes seeing his name put on something. If someone would put his name on a bomb then I think he would orgasm on the spot."

They added that, "Nobody here expects to be in power for very long, but dropping bombs on foreigners is always good for American public morale, so it keeps him happy and our numbers up, or less low."

President Trump has so far sent SEALS in Yemen, cruise missiles in Syria (or Iraq, he wasn't quite sure) and now the largest conventional weapon in the US arsenal into Afghanistan.

Reports suggests that "he is lining up North Korea for the big one. There's only one president trmwho ever used nuclear weapons and he wants to be remembered for changing that."

"America will be great again," an official spokesman said, "even if we have to reduce every other country in the world to a pile of rubble to achieve that."

No foreign dipomacy please, we're British

British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, the man in charge of all British overseas diplomacy has announced that, in future, all of that overseas diplomacy will be carried out from his comfortable office. That way, the announcement said, there was no chance of him having to actually go to foreign countries and talk to foreign people and get into awkward conversations about supporting dictators who drop chemical weapons on their own people.

"I didn't campaign for Brexit so that I would have to go and talk to a bunch of foreign johnnies," Mr Johnson said at a press conference. "The whole point of Brexit was to make sure that there were at least 28 other countries who would never talk to us again."

When asked if he was being just the tiniest bit of a complete and utter coward by refusing to visit, for example Russia, he denied it. When further pressed on whether the famous hard man President of that country, Vladimir Putin, would punch him, he stressed, "Oh no, not at all. He wouldn't do such a thing. Would he? I mean, I hadn't heard that he did that sort of thing. Does he do that sort of thing? Oh mummy, where's my teddy?"

When asked whether this attitude would make him the laughing stock of world diplomacy, he merely shrugged and pointed out, "People have been laughing me my whole life, but when you have a rich family with the connections to get you safe parliamentary seat none of that really matters."

A Russian spokesman said, "Britain? Where is that? Oh, yes, the silly country stuck on the edge of Europe determined to destroy itself. We don't care."