Labour deny checking Corbyn envelope post Oscars

The Labour Party has strenuously denied that it has gone back and checked the envelope containing the name of the winner of its last leader election in the wake of the Academy Awards farce.

"Jeremy Corbyn won that election fair and square and nobody has felt the need to go back and check anything," the party's election spokesperson stated firmly. When asked what the envelope-shaped object he was hiding behind his back was, he responded less firmly, "Well that's none of you damned business now, is it?"

The 89th Annual Academy Awards was marred when a film with two white stars (La La Land) was mistakenly announced as winner over the predominantly black-cast film Moonlight. The error was immediately spotted since it had been decreed that a black film had to win this year to prevent any more protests from the Black Oscars Matter movement.

Manchester United fan believed to have brain damage after stating 'We deserved to win'.

A Manchester United fan was rushed to hospital just minutes after the team's League Cup Final win over Southampton. Fears were immediately raised after he was heard to say that his team deserved the win despite being outplayed for 110 minutes of the 90 minute game, eventually snatching the win through one late moment of 'being in the right place at the right time'.

The man's claims immediately led him to the London Brain Doctoring Hospital where surgeons were unable to diagnose the man's problem after much brain scanning.

"We were just unable to find it," the head surgeon," Archibald Cerveau announced. "We looked and looked, but finally we had to conclude that he did not actually have one."

The man, who comes from Sussex and has reportedly heard of Manchester, but never dared to go any further north than the Watford Gap, was said to be resting comfortably, but talking other complete b*ll*cks.

Dr Cerveau said sadly that the best brain surgeons in the world were unable to do anything to save the man and he would remain a Manchester United fan for the rest of his life. His family are being comforted.

Theresa May to be sued for false advertising over her name.

News has emerged that Theresa May is to be sued by the Advertising Standards Agency over her surname.

"The word 'May' suggests that there is a possibility of something happening, some action being taken," a spokesperson for the agency, Sarah Adcrap, explained. "With this Prime Minister, as in her time as Home Secretary, we have seen that the truth is that nothing will happen until everyone else has finished and she is pushed into the space that is left. This is clearly outside of the definition of the word and therefore we require that the Prime Minister stop using this surname immediately and choose a more appropriate moniker."

Suggested alternatives have been Theresa Can't, Theresa Won't and Theresa Colonoscopy (on account of shoving herself so far up Donald Trump's arse).

We approached the Prime Minister for comment, but so far have received no response.

White House press room redesign to include lions, tigers and bears, oh my.

President Donald J Trump has ordered the press room at the White House to undergo a major redesign. The main new feature will be a large pit with a sand-covered floor. Any journalist he decides is peddling 'fake news' will be thrown into this pit by secret service agents where they will fight it out with all manner of wild beasts and trained killers. Their only hope will be to prove that the pen truly is mightier than the sword, or an enraged grizzly that's been sent mad by and endless loop of The Celebrity Apprentice.

"Unless they stop peddling the fake story that this administration is a complete clusterf*uck, just because it is, we will treat them with the respect we ought to be getting and have Russian prostitutes pee all over them," said Presidential spokesman Sean Cumin.

Head of the White House press corps, Maximus Decimus Meridius (Commander of the apple mac, General of the Press Corps, loyal servant of True News, Father to a confused son, husband to a wife whose p*ussy hasn't been grabbed) said, "Don't worry; we will have our revenge, in this administration or the next."

US General tells NATO to play by his rules or he'll take his ball home.

Donald's new head of Defense, nicknamed 'Crazy Canine' has told the heads of NATO that if they do not play by his rules then he will go home and tell his mama, as well as taking his ball with him.

Just a couple of weeks after the newly-inaugurated President told the world that he was fully behind NATO, his Defence Secretary said that the President was not at all fully behind NATO.

"No longer can we be the ones standing up alone for Western Values," the general insisted.

When pressed on what these values were, he listed, "religious exclusion, overt racism, the right to mock people because of their disability, the freedom to withhold aid to poor countries unless they remove their women's right to choose and, of course, the right to grab women by their genitals without reproach just because we're richer and more famous than them."

The general went on to add that America 'was tired of caring more about your children's futures than you do.'

Scientists have taken this as the final proof that Americans are genetically lacking the gene for irony, considering that this statement comes from the representative of a regime that doesn't give a toss about global warming, which is the biggest threat to children everywhere.

The general stated that the new rule the USA wanted most to enforce was that it could tell all the other countries exactly how much they had to spend on American weapons systems, especially the ones that sent missiles in the wrong direction during testing.

British Prime Minister Theresa May, defended the President she believes is her only hope of being seen as anything but a dismal failure in the role, stating, "The Americans are our strongest military ally. They were there for us in World War 2, right from the start, not waiting until they were directly attacked before they got off their arses and did something. They were there for us in the Falklands War, their men fighting alongside ours. And it's not like they expect us to follow them when they start wars in Iran or Afghanistan."

Critics also pointed out that the Americans can't even spell defence properly, one academic pointing out, "There's no 's', people!"

'Crazy Canine' denied that this new stance was part of an overall strategy to carve up the world, surrendering Europe to Trump's best friend Vladimir Putin and keeping the Americas for themselves.

He also stated that all future wars would be fought on Twitter, the winner being the country witht he most likes and retweets.

"The Pres rules on Twitter," Crazy Canine stated, "though we'd not send him up against that JK Rowling fella of yours."

Surge in half term holiday bookings in Norfolk

The Norfolk Tourist Information Board has announced a last-minute surge in holiday books for the coming half term. Bookings, they said, were up over 10,000%.

It's mainly older folks with VW camper vans and tie-dyed clothes talking about recapturing the experience of the sixties and younger people, coincidentally also with camper vans, coming in and asking 'Where's the junk, dude?'.

"They get confused when we direct them to the local refuse recycling centre," spokesperson Geraldine Flatland added. "They get even more annoyed when they ask about the Coke and we send them to local Lidl store."

When asked if this upsurge in bookings to a region that is without outstanding (or upstanding at least) features, bitterly cold weather and no entertainment venues open, could be related to the discovery of over £50 million worth of cocaine on the beaches in the area, Ms Flatland replied, "Oh no, Mr Polka dot elephant. It's the natural beauty of the place, and the supersonic butterflies, that are the draw. There's even a barn dance in the Hall of the Mountain King at Caister this weekend. You should come. Puff, the Magic Dragon's going to be headlining the show."

A&E record 'unacceptable' says Hunt responsible

Jeremy Hunt (and yes, that is how you spell and pronounce it, many opinions to the contrary) has called the recent record of A&E departments in the NHS 'unacceptable' despite the fact that he is the man responsible for making them acceptable and has been for some time.

Mr Hunt, who refused to take the junior doctors up on their offer that he resign since he was completely incompetent and didn't understand how anything worked and was making things worse by forcing a new contract on them against their will, never once saw the irony of his situation in any of the number of interviews that he gave on the subject.

When asked what he was going to do about the situation, he stated ,"What I've always done, absolutely nothing. Though I might blame the doctors again. After all, they're supposed to know what they're doing. I'm just a government minister, so why should I know what I'm talking about?"

Junior doctors all over the country rolled their eyes and got on with the job of ministering to the sick in overly-busy departments for longer hours and less pay than they deserve.

Speaker criticised for speaking

The Rt Hon John Bercow MP, the current Speaker of the House of Commons, has been roundly criticised for speaking.

"It is not the place of the Speaker to actually, you know, speak," said Lordy McToff, spokesperson for the Conservative party. "He's there to stop the Opposition from speaking, not to say things himself."

When it was then pointed out that what Mr Bercow had been doing was stopping President Donald J Trump from speaking to Parliament, Mr McToff harrumphed indignantly and walked down the hallway, muttering something about 'bolshy media' and 'a good horsewhipping'.

A different view was announced by John Cantrule, spokesperson for the aforementioned Opposition. He said, "The Speaker was only saying what a lot of the other members would have said had the Speaker allowed them to speak. Which he didn't. So they couldn't. So he had to. So it makes perfect sense."

Mr Bercow, who is supposed to be completely apolitical as the Speaker of the House, ventured the opinion that the President should not be allowed the opportunity to address the combined Houses of Commons and Lords on account of his being a raging racist misogynist who also likes to ridicule the disabled.

He has since said that this was not the case.

"What I really don't like is the hair and the orange food colouring he uses on his face," the Speaker revealed. "I mean, if we stop allowing the racists, bigots, misogynists and over-privileged poor-hating rich b*stards from speaking then we'd just spend all our time listening to Jeremy Corbyn and where would be then?"

Car insurance premium hike not because companies are greedy b*st*rds

Car insurance firms have stated categorically that the £30 hike in the average cost of insurance premiums is not down them being greedy b*uggers exploiting the fact that motorists have to hold insurance to fleece them of increasingly large amounts of money.

"Of course not," one broker said, taking time out from booking his third holiday to the Bahamas this year. "Motor insurers are practically charities. They are virtually penniless. They pay out on claims straight away, every time, without ever asking any questions. They always pay more than the vehicle is worth and offer a diamond standard service at a sand value price."

When pressed on why premiums continue to rise when cars are getting safer, the broker shrugged his shoulders and muttered, "Well, it's stuff isn't it?"

Spokesmen for the big insurance firms were unavailable for comment since they were enjoying a champagne breakfast at a top Dubai hotel after a round of golf.

One that we did manage to reach claimed that it was down to repairs costing more because cars were more complicated these days.

"Garage mechanics are greedy b*st*rds and know that our customers have to have a car and so they can charge insurance companies whatever they like and artificially jack up the prices," he explained, between mouthfuls of truffle.

Which is surely the very definition of the pot calling the kettle black.

UK MPs prove their value by confirming referendum result

British Members of Parliament proved their incredible importance to the world in general by voting overwhelming for the same result that the British public came to several months ago.

Ever since the British public declared with half a voice that they wanted to leave the European Union, their leaders have been arguing over whether MPs should be the ones to start the process, despite the fact that the point was decidedly moot since the referendum had already started the process.

"We are the ones in charge and we should be the ones who decide what cock-ups to make," one MP insisted, "and we will make the decision even if someone has made it already."

Following the vote, one ordinary passerby said, "What a bloody waste of time and space this lot are. Getting paid all day to argue over a decision already made and then just voting for the same thing as was already decided. Leaders of the country? Don't make me bloody laugh."