No foreign dipomacy please, we're British

British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, the man in charge of all British overseas diplomacy has announced that, in future, all of that overseas diplomacy will be carried out from his comfortable office. That way, the announcement said, there was no chance of him having to actually go to foreign countries and talk to foreign people and get into awkward conversations about supporting dictators who drop chemical weapons on their own people.

"I didn't campaign for Brexit so that I would have to go and talk to a bunch of foreign johnnies," Mr Johnson said at a press conference. "The whole point of Brexit was to make sure that there were at least 28 other countries who would never talk to us again."

When asked if he was being just the tiniest bit of a complete and utter coward by refusing to visit, for example Russia, he denied it. When further pressed on whether the famous hard man President of that country, Vladimir Putin, would punch him, he stressed, "Oh no, not at all. He wouldn't do such a thing. Would he? I mean, I hadn't heard that he did that sort of thing. Does he do that sort of thing? Oh mummy, where's my teddy?"

When asked whether this attitude would make him the laughing stock of world diplomacy, he merely shrugged and pointed out, "People have been laughing me my whole life, but when you have a rich family with the connections to get you safe parliamentary seat none of that really matters."

A Russian spokesman said, "Britain? Where is that? Oh, yes, the silly country stuck on the edge of Europe determined to destroy itself. We don't care."