New Mayan calendar predicts doomsday (again)

Harder to hang on the wall than the Minions calendar

Researchers working in the depths of the Mexican rainforest have decoded a newly-discovered Mayan calendar that supercedes all the other Mayan calendars discovered in the last three years. Unable to explain why they were trying to decode it in the rainforest instead of a comfortable university, they announced that this ancient artefact gave an exact date for the end of, well, everything.

According to their research, which was in no way fuelled by all night peote parties, the universe will come to an end on January 20th 2017.

Much older researchers have dismissed these claims, countering with the wholly reasonable argument that even Donald Trump couldn't destroy the whole world on his first day. It would take him a week at least.