SNP redefine a 'generation' as every four years or so

The Scottish National Party has called for another 'once in a generation' referendum on Scottish Independence to take place barely four years after the last 'once in generation' referendum on the grounds that the 'silly b*ggers didn't choose our way last time'.

Party spokesman Jock McTavish the Noo explained, "We were elected on a manifesto promise to demand a new referendum at every opportunity. Brexit is the current opportunity of choice, but we also consider Scotland losing at the rugby, or the football, or the cricket or, in fact, any sport you like to mention except Andy Murray (and if Novak Djokovic gets himself sorted that's going to look iffy) as suitable excuses. We also have the old standby of someone sneezing on the shores of Loch Lomond. I know that may sound a bit random, but it can't be just anyone sneezing, it has to be someone verifiably Scottish."

The SNP have demanded that they get to choose when the referendum takes place, what the question is and exactly who will vote. They currently suggest only those people who are members of the party and have sworn a blood oath to make Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon the new King and Queen of Scotland.

"Look," McTavish the Noo continued, "we can't start a war to distract from our failings on education and health and pretty much every other aspect of our performance like Thatcher and Blair did, so this is all we have."

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, there was a general rolling of eyes and mutters of 'here they go again', although one child protection charity did suggest that "if they genuinely believe that you can create a new generation every four years, we really have to look into their child protection standards".