No English, Welsh or Northern Irish referendums, May states

In the same week that Prime Minister Theresa May turned down calls from the SNP for a second 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence barely four years after the first 'once in generation' referendum on Scottish Independence, it has emerged that she has also turned down further calls for referendums on this subject.

Pressure groups in England, Wales and Northern Ireland have all called for referendums in their countries as to whether Scotland should be allowed to stay in the United Kingdom on the grounds that "they're a bunch of expensive ingrates who we would all be better off without".

"All they ever do is whinge about how bad it is in Scotland and how it's everybody else's fault except the people who live there," a Hearts for Lions press release stated. Hearts for Lions is either an 'England for the English' pressure group or a charity helping sick lions get transplants. It's not entirely clear from their manifestos which it is.

"No doubt they'll keep on blaming the rest of us for their woes when they've gone," the pamphlet goes on, "but at least we won't have to listen to their bleating."

Welsh pressure groups have banded together to "support our Celtic brothers in their search for a way to leave the union", but add "if only so that we don't have to hear any more about haggises and whisky and Andy Murray."

The Northern Irish Assembly, what little of it is still assembled, pointed out that post-Brexit they would be having to build a wall along their southern border, so they could get the contractor to do another wall along the Anglo-Scottish border at the same time in order to save a bit of money.

Hadrian Building Services is favourite to win the contract.

Leaders promise more grown up debate about Scottish Referendum and Brexit

Leaders of the both the Westminster and Scottish Parliaments have promised to act in a more mature and dignified manner over the question of the Brexit negotiations and this week's excuse for calling for a new Scottish referendum.

One leading Scottish politician was seen shouting, "You're a coward, a coward!" and making chicken noises in the expectation that the Prime Minister would immediately roll over and offer a referendum just to prove that she wasn't frightened.

Mrs May herself ignored all this, saying, "Talk to the hand because it's covered with jam and more likely to pay attention to you than I am."

Exactly what she meant by this is not yet known.

Nicola Sturgeon, for her part, when told that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, shouted, "I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I  make myself sick."

She didn't need all three scweams... screams.

Parents have now stepped in a told the children to play nicely or they won't get any dessert at tea time.

SNP redefine a 'generation' as every four years or so

The Scottish National Party has called for another 'once in a generation' referendum on Scottish Independence to take place barely four years after the last 'once in generation' referendum on the grounds that the 'silly b*ggers didn't choose our way last time'.

Party spokesman Jock McTavish the Noo explained, "We were elected on a manifesto promise to demand a new referendum at every opportunity. Brexit is the current opportunity of choice, but we also consider Scotland losing at the rugby, or the football, or the cricket or, in fact, any sport you like to mention except Andy Murray (and if Novak Djokovic gets himself sorted that's going to look iffy) as suitable excuses. We also have the old standby of someone sneezing on the shores of Loch Lomond. I know that may sound a bit random, but it can't be just anyone sneezing, it has to be someone verifiably Scottish."

The SNP have demanded that they get to choose when the referendum takes place, what the question is and exactly who will vote. They currently suggest only those people who are members of the party and have sworn a blood oath to make Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon the new King and Queen of Scotland.

"Look," McTavish the Noo continued, "we can't start a war to distract from our failings on education and health and pretty much every other aspect of our performance like Thatcher and Blair did, so this is all we have."

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, there was a general rolling of eyes and mutters of 'here they go again', although one child protection charity did suggest that "if they genuinely believe that you can create a new generation every four years, we really have to look into their child protection standards".