White House press room redesign to include lions, tigers and bears, oh my.

President Donald J Trump has ordered the press room at the White House to undergo a major redesign. The main new feature will be a large pit with a sand-covered floor. Any journalist he decides is peddling 'fake news' will be thrown into this pit by secret service agents where they will fight it out with all manner of wild beasts and trained killers. Their only hope will be to prove that the pen truly is mightier than the sword, or an enraged grizzly that's been sent mad by and endless loop of The Celebrity Apprentice.

"Unless they stop peddling the fake story that this administration is a complete clusterf*uck, just because it is, we will treat them with the respect we ought to be getting and have Russian prostitutes pee all over them," said Presidential spokesman Sean Cumin.

Head of the White House press corps, Maximus Decimus Meridius (Commander of the apple mac, General of the Press Corps, loyal servant of True News, Father to a confused son, husband to a wife whose p*ussy hasn't been grabbed) said, "Don't worry; we will have our revenge, in this administration or the next."

Washed up UK politician hired by American 'news' broadcaster

News not from the Dark Ages

Fox News has hired Nigel Farage as a "politicial analyst" in a new attempt to damage its almost non-existent reputation as a provider of reliable news coverage even further.

The channel is regarded widely as nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Republican Party agenda in the United States. Many others say that it's pretty rubbish at even that.

The announcement stated that "Although Nigel Farage has failed conspicuously to be elected into the United Kingdom parliament and the party that he led still has fewer MPs that we have braincells, we think that his clear hatred for foreigners and desire to climb up Donald Trump's rectum make him a great fit, since these are two things that we share."

Mr Farage is happy for the work since his bestie President Trump failed to get him the job of British ambassador to the United States and has promised to only "hire American" for jobs he actually has some control over.

A British spokesman said, "Anything that keeps him as far away from the UK as possible has to be a good thing in our books. Fox News's gain is our even bigger gain. As long as they don't send him back when they find out what an arse he is, like they did with Piers Morgan."