Donald Trump to take guns - from video games

US President Donald Trump is making a decisive move to end violence on the streets of America, he's meeting with video game makers to tell them their games are too violent. 

"People walking into schools and killing people with guns can't be tackled by taking guns away or making them harder to access," a White House spokesperson explained. "It can only be tackled by making video games less violent. When all we could play was Pong, nobody went around killing each other with table tennis paddles. Nobody has ever been killed by a sonic-powered hedgehog."

It is further rumoured that Italian plumbers are to be banned to stop the carnage on US roads.

White House officially emptiest government building in the world

The announcement that Presidential economic advisor Gary Cohn is leaving the White House because "it's just so good to work there I can't stand it anymore" has finally landed the seat of US Presidential power the coveted title of emptiest government building in the world.

Cohn's departure came so soon after that of Communications Director Hope Hicks that he was able to catch the door before it closed.

A source in the White House (because we couldn't find two) said that they "could go days without seeing another living soul". When asked if they saw the President, they added, "Oh sure, but I'm not sure the soul part applies to him."

On the positive side, though, the White House press secretary (this week) announced that tumbleweed sightings in the building were on the increase.

Coke to make drinks less healthy by adding alcohol

Coca Cola has announced plans to release a new alcoholic drink. Following on from the likes of Coke Cherry and Coke Zero, the drink will be known as Coke Pissed As A Fart. It's the first alcoholic drink that the company has produced, but it will be only available in Japan at first because the company believes that "it is all right to experiment on them".

Men not allowed to speak about women - ever

Only hours after lambasting opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn for the sin of 'mansplaining' after he had the temerity to mention International Women's Day whilst in possession of a beard during Prime Minister's Doesn't Answer Any Questions Time, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced plans to prohibit any men from ever speaking on a subject that affects women in any way whatsoever.

An alleged woman herself (rumours continue to abound that she is really a robot with faulty empathy programming), she said that "it is wrong for any man to have an opinion on any subject of importance to women, let alone to actually give voice to it. We will, therefore, be advancing legislation to restrict men's rights to discuss women or, in fact anything other than football and war movies."

When asked if this would also prevent men from sending cards to women on Mother's Day, she muttered something about fields of wheat before storming out of the press conference.

Russian assassination denials greeted with scepticism

Vehement denials from Russian spymasters that they had nothing at all to do with a Russian spy living in the UK have been met with scepticism due to the fact that they have been known to lie about stuff.

"That's just typical," one spokesperson (who insisted that they were most definitely not a spy, did not work for a spy agency and probably couldn't even spell the word 'spy'). "Just because everyone knows that we meddled in the US elections to get our friend Donny elected, and because all of our athletes use drugs that would make even Team Sky blush, and just because Russian dolls are full of secret other dolls, we are immediately suspected when a traitor to the state almost dies in mysterious circumstances. We didn't have anything to do with it. We weren't even in the country at the time. We were all at my grandmother's house eating borscht."

Everyone who knows anything about Russian spies agreed that, whilst the evidence is thin at the moment, this was exactly the kind of thing that Russian secret services would do and so it was probably them.

"We didn't do it," the Russian spokespeople pouted.

"That's good enough for me," Tweeted the President of the USA.

Official - End credits are best part of Oscars

An in-depth study of audience responses to the coverage of the 90th Annual Oscars bash has conclusively proved that the start of the end credits is the moment that receives the most positive reaction from the viewing audience.

Despite containing seemingly, endless strings of live song performances, famous people making seriously lame jokes, everyone declaring the Meryl Streep is the best actor in the history of, well history itself and so many clips being shown from the same movies that you don't actually have to go to the cinema to see them anymore, the end of the show is the most anticipated and best enjoyed moment of the whole show.

This year, Hollywood's elite announced that sexual harassment was bad (which was news to nobody) and Black Panther was good (which it is), but did so over such a long period that many of the audience wished they were appearing in the 'In Memoriam' section.

One member of the television audience went as far as to say that the show should open with the end credits, which would make the whole thing shorter and more enjoyable. 

Even Theresa May's panicked U Turns are 'Strong and stable'

Conservative Party spin doctors were out in force yesterday to explain that the extraordinary U-turn on the so-called Dementia tax (possibly the shortest length of time ever taken to break a manifesto pledge considering that they haven't won the election yet) was another sign of Theresa May's 'strong and stable' leadership.

"Theresa May listened," one spokesperson said. "She mainly listened to the sound of her polling numbers crashing into single figures and immediately scrambled to limit the damage. Though it looks to the uninitiated like a panicked knee-jerk reaction from a party that was ill-prepared for the backlash against what is a pretty awful tax of dying people, if you try hard enough you can actually see that it is a sign of a leader who knew exactly what she was doing."

When pressed, he also stated that "Of course the crowds at Donald Trump's inaguration were larger than Obama's."

Another spokesperson disagreed, however, stating that, "Theresa May was not listening to the outcry from poor people who might lose everything they hoped to leave to their children except for a hundred thousand pounds, assuming that their house was worth that much. No, she was listening to the rich people who were afraid that they might lose everything they hoped to leave to their children except for a hundred thousand pounds, which one of their cars is worth. Of course, upper class inbreeding is one of the debilitating conditions excluded from the Dementia Tax. So is being Boris Johnson."

"There will now be a cap on the amount that can be taken from people's children after their parents' deaths," a third continued, "but we're not going to tell you how much because that would mean making a decision and then getting it costed, something that we're trying to avoid with all our manifesto pledges."

In related news, a Dalek spokesperson has pressed a case for all rogue Time Lords to be prevented from calling them the most evil race in the universe since the Conservative Manifesto makes it quite clear that humans are more evil than them.

"We might exterminate you as soon as look at you," it said, and proceeded to prove its point by exterminating all the journalists present at the press conference, "but to watch you go through a long, painful, debilitating death in the sure knowledge that before you are cold the government will be seizing everything left to pay for corporation tax cuts, now that is real evil."