Men not allowed to speak about women - ever

Only hours after lambasting opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn for the sin of 'mansplaining' after he had the temerity to mention International Women's Day whilst in possession of a beard during Prime Minister's Doesn't Answer Any Questions Time, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced plans to prohibit any men from ever speaking on a subject that affects women in any way whatsoever.

An alleged woman herself (rumours continue to abound that she is really a robot with faulty empathy programming), she said that "it is wrong for any man to have an opinion on any subject of importance to women, let alone to actually give voice to it. We will, therefore, be advancing legislation to restrict men's rights to discuss women or, in fact anything other than football and war movies."

When asked if this would also prevent men from sending cards to women on Mother's Day, she muttered something about fields of wheat before storming out of the press conference.

Theresa May to be sued for false advertising over her name.

News has emerged that Theresa May is to be sued by the Advertising Standards Agency over her surname.

"The word 'May' suggests that there is a possibility of something happening, some action being taken," a spokesperson for the agency, Sarah Adcrap, explained. "With this Prime Minister, as in her time as Home Secretary, we have seen that the truth is that nothing will happen until everyone else has finished and she is pushed into the space that is left. This is clearly outside of the definition of the word and therefore we require that the Prime Minister stop using this surname immediately and choose a more appropriate moniker."

Suggested alternatives have been Theresa Can't, Theresa Won't and Theresa Colonoscopy (on account of shoving herself so far up Donald Trump's arse).

We approached the Prime Minister for comment, but so far have received no response.