Donald's new head of Defense, nicknamed 'Crazy Canine' has told the heads of NATO that if they do not play by his rules then he will go home and tell his mama, as well as taking his ball with him.
Just a couple of weeks after the newly-inaugurated President told the world that he was fully behind NATO, his Defence Secretary said that the President was not at all fully behind NATO.
"No longer can we be the ones standing up alone for Western Values," the general insisted.
When pressed on what these values were, he listed, "religious exclusion, overt racism, the right to mock people because of their disability, the freedom to withhold aid to poor countries unless they remove their women's right to choose and, of course, the right to grab women by their genitals without reproach just because we're richer and more famous than them."
The general went on to add that America 'was tired of caring more about your children's futures than you do.'
Scientists have taken this as the final proof that Americans are genetically lacking the gene for irony, considering that this statement comes from the representative of a regime that doesn't give a toss about global warming, which is the biggest threat to children everywhere.
The general stated that the new rule the USA wanted most to enforce was that it could tell all the other countries exactly how much they had to spend on American weapons systems, especially the ones that sent missiles in the wrong direction during testing.
British Prime Minister Theresa May, defended the President she believes is her only hope of being seen as anything but a dismal failure in the role, stating, "The Americans are our strongest military ally. They were there for us in World War 2, right from the start, not waiting until they were directly attacked before they got off their arses and did something. They were there for us in the Falklands War, their men fighting alongside ours. And it's not like they expect us to follow them when they start wars in Iran or Afghanistan."
Critics also pointed out that the Americans can't even spell defence properly, one academic pointing out, "There's no 's', people!"
'Crazy Canine' denied that this new stance was part of an overall strategy to carve up the world, surrendering Europe to Trump's best friend Vladimir Putin and keeping the Americas for themselves.
He also stated that all future wars would be fought on Twitter, the winner being the country witht he most likes and retweets.
"The Pres rules on Twitter," Crazy Canine stated, "though we'd not send him up against that JK Rowling fella of yours."
