No foreign dipomacy please, we're British

British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, the man in charge of all British overseas diplomacy has announced that, in future, all of that overseas diplomacy will be carried out from his comfortable office. That way, the announcement said, there was no chance of him having to actually go to foreign countries and talk to foreign people and get into awkward conversations about supporting dictators who drop chemical weapons on their own people.

"I didn't campaign for Brexit so that I would have to go and talk to a bunch of foreign johnnies," Mr Johnson said at a press conference. "The whole point of Brexit was to make sure that there were at least 28 other countries who would never talk to us again."

When asked if he was being just the tiniest bit of a complete and utter coward by refusing to visit, for example Russia, he denied it. When further pressed on whether the famous hard man President of that country, Vladimir Putin, would punch him, he stressed, "Oh no, not at all. He wouldn't do such a thing. Would he? I mean, I hadn't heard that he did that sort of thing. Does he do that sort of thing? Oh mummy, where's my teddy?"

When asked whether this attitude would make him the laughing stock of world diplomacy, he merely shrugged and pointed out, "People have been laughing me my whole life, but when you have a rich family with the connections to get you safe parliamentary seat none of that really matters."

A Russian spokesman said, "Britain? Where is that? Oh, yes, the silly country stuck on the edge of Europe determined to destroy itself. We don't care."

British Government reveals Brexit negotiation strategy.

Britain to take its star with it

British Prime Minister Theresa May has revealed the British government's Brexit negotiating strategy in her first major speech on the subject since stepping over the bodies of top Conservatives in the wake of the post-referendum political bloodletting.

The main thrust of the British position will be 'Give me a good deal or I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I make myself sick'.

Mrs May went on to state that she wasn't ruling out the possibility of Britain 'throwing our toys out of the pram' if it became absolutely necessary.

She promised to drop the name 'Donald Trump' at every opportunity to make the opposition think that the US President actually knew who she was.

"He may not think that I'm the most powerful leader in  Europe,' she added, "but at least that means he's unlikely to grab my pussy."

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson clearly hadn't got the memo about not mentioning the War during the negotiations and immediately warned the Europeans not to hand out any 'punishment beatings' like the World War 2 movies or like he used to do at the exclusive private boarding school he attended.

Top EU negotiator Jean-Paul Le Fromage reacted strongly to the comments by shrugging his shoulders in a very gallic manner.