George Osborne quits as MP because ignoring poor people's problems takes up too much time.

George Osborne, former Chancellor of the Exchequer and one time most hated man in Britain (Piers Morgan was plying his tw*ttery in America) has quit the lowest paid of his 257 business interests because it was forcing him to feign too much interest in ordinary people.

"Being an MP is generally great," he said as he announced that he would not be standing as part of Theresa May's coup in June, "There's the expenses, the power lunches, the expenses, the first class travel, the expenses, the ability to openly shaft the working classes, the expenses and, oh did I mention the expenses?"

He added, "The problem is the public, of course. People kept bothering me with requests to 'represent' them and to 'help' them and things like that. They simply did not understand that being a Member of Parliament is about sitting around laughing at the poor and disabled whilst taking their benefits away, not some nonsense about serving the people you conned into voting for you."

When asked what he was going to be doing with all his new free time, he explained, "Well, I have to convert all those back-room promises from my time as Chancellor into high-paying, low work boardroom positions. And now that I'm no longer going to be actively screwing the ordinary people I will be able to devote more time to using my newspaper editor position to shield my friends who still are.